Just Sad

I read a book earlier this summer that I really enjoyed. It was Quaker Summer by Lisa Samson. While the book's message was very good, one line has stuck with me. The character is talking about having only one child, and she says:

Knowing I wanted a dozen, He gave me only one.

These words have churned through my heart over the last few months. I long for more children that now due to cancer I will not be able to have. My heart hurts when I think about not feeling those tiny kicks from inside, not hearing that first cry in the delivery room, not seeing that first smile that makes it all worth it. We have talked about adoption, but financially there is just no way it will happen. Knowing I wanted a dozen, He gave me only one. I know that the Lord knows best and maybe His plan is for me to be the mother of only one marvelous blessing. My struggle now is how do I know that I know that I know there are no more little ones in my future? How do I rest in God's plan when my heart aches for it to be different?

So today I'm just sad.

Hair Update

Most everyone has seen me with hair these days. In fact, many people probably don't think about my bald days very often anymore. As a cancer survivor, my hair is always a reminder of how far I've come. Here is the most recent picture of me with my new curly hair. I've tamed it a bit in this photo, but you get the idea.

It has been almost 16 months since my last round of chemo. My life and body are back to "normal" for all intents and purposes. A few lingering chemo problems:

1.My memory isn't as good--I don't have the recall that I did prior to chemo. Some say it's age, but I know my brain works a bit differently now. I can't really explain it--you would just have to experience it to understand.

2. My fingernails are still shot to hell. They are brittle and ridged and don't grow like they did prior to chemo.

3. My monthly cycle is still erratic at best. While I'm obviously not in complete menopause, my poor ovaries can't decide if they want to fight or give up and die. No period for 4 months then 2 in one month...etc, etc. It's crazy and it makes me feel like I'm 13 again. I never know when it's going to "show itself" so it's always in the back of my mind just in case.

I will be going for my screening appointment for genetic counseling on Monday. I don't know exactly what it involves, so I'll tell you more when I know more.

Why is this news?

I see this headline and have to ask, "Why is this news?"

Actress Shaves Her Head

Thousands of women shave their heads due to the savage effects of chemo, but FoxNews isn't reporting on them. I just get so tired of the superficial world we live in. If people would spend half of their attention on important issues rather than fashion, beauty and celebrities...imagine the difference they could make.

Today I met with my new oncologist here in KY. He seems very serious, but also VERY well informed of current treatment and research of breast cancer. He agrees that everything seems to be "normal" for me right now. He did say that new studies have shown it isn't necessary to have all of the CT scans/bone scans unless I am having symptoms of a problem. This makes me a bit nervous since I'm in the "like to know for sure "camp, but his explanation made sense. The only bad thing is that by the time I am "symptomatic" to go for the scans the cancer could be having a field day in my body.

He is recommending that I go for genetic counseling. There are two genes BRCA1 and BRCA2 that show mutations that can cause breast cancer as well as ovarian cancer. In cases like mine where there is no immediate family history and I'm young it is very possible that I will test positive for these gene mutations. This would at least give me a "reason" for getting cancer. I have mutant genes!! I can't help but think of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!



Only 1-2% of us have these mutations, but finding out that you are positive is huge in treatment. If I am positive we will then discuss removing my ovaries or a complete hysterectomy. Women that are positive for these mutations have a 40% chance of developing ovarian cancer. Since I'm not having any more babies anyway there's no need to keep the cancer-bait around. But all of that is yet to be seen. He will be referring me to genetic counseling then I will go for the blood test. I don't know the timeline for this, but I will keep everyone updated as I know more.

Break Out the Walking Shoes

Ok, so many of you have probably already received my email concerning my fundraising efforts for the 3Day Walk in October. If I somehow managed to miss your inbox...shame on me!!

The summary for those that don't know is this:

My friend Bridget asked me to join her in October to do the 3Day Walk put on by Susan G. Komen for the Cure. It is a 60 mile walk--20 miles a day for 3 days!! I am so excited to be doing this however daunting 60 miles may seem. One of the requirements to participate is agreeing to raise at least $2200 to fund further breast cancer research. I'm asking for your help in reaching this goal and hopefully exceeding it.

The reality is that someone gave money years ago that funded research that helped to cure MY cancer. Money you give today may be funding the research that will save your mom, daughter, sister or friend in the years to come.

This is such and important cause and I hope you will join me in the fight by donating today!!

http://www.the3day.org/dallas07/fkonick