November 2, 2005..."You have cancer." This little sentence was said to me without much emotion. I did get an "I'm sorry" out of my doc, but I think it was more for lack of something to say than really being sincere. His bedside manner lacks a lot to be desired.
I can not believe that one year has passed. First and foremost, I am so thankful to be here one year later and in good health. I have been reflecting on my cancer journey for several days now. I still find it an interesting study in human emotion that while you go through cancer everyone wants in on ALL the details, but once you're "cured" people quickly put it behind them and don't think about it again. Maybe it is a coping mechanism...I'm not one to dwell on the past, but I don't think anyone will realize that it's been a year unless they read this blog. I doubt anyone will be concerned with how I'm coping . Maybe it's not for them to be concerned...maybe it's mine alone to deal with.
As I said before, I've been reflecting on this journey and I've learned a few things about myself along the way.
1. I am much stronger in mind and body than I ever thought.
2. I am pleased that I can comfortably rest in God's plan for my life and be content there even during times of heartache.
3. I want more children. Now with my ability to bear children gone, I am realizing that I am very open to adopting (even older children). I never had issues with adopting, I just didn't have the need. Now I realize there are so many children that just want a family. It's something we're exploring.
Life post-cancer is very similar to life pre-cancer. I was never one to sweat the small stuff, but I really am not concerned with it now. It's cliche, but life is short. Go out and live it! For me it's not about big houses and fancy cars...it's about loving my friends and family and enjoying each day for we aren't promised tomorrow.
2007 Breast Cancer 3 Day
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Fran,
ReplyDeleteWell, I didn't know the exact date, but I figured it had been about a year. My friend Kimberly, whose blog I found yours through, is also doing well.
I worry about how she is coping, and by extension, how other friends I've met online are doing. Remember, we are surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses. We all serve one another.
I don't know if you've read Elizabeth Edwards book, "Saving Graces". It is her story about fighting breast cancer and the support she has gotten from that great cloud of witnesses.
While your at it, there is a folk music group which I really love called Lowen and Navarro. Eric Lowen was diagnosed with ALS (Lou Gehrig's disease). We have seen him slowly waste away, but he is still playing concerts. One of his most touching songs is "How Mighty Is the Silence" The chorus goes:
---
The quiet between the flash of light and the rolling of the thunder
Is like the time it takes a couple of words to tear your whole world down
You take a breath and it's passed you by
But the moment lasts forever
How mighty is the silence
Hearts break without a sound.
---
Sound familiar?
So, I continue to hold you up in my prayers and also to thank God for the witness that you provide to all who fight cancer.
What you say is so true - people do seem to drift away and I, for one, have actually found the year since I finished my cancer treatment at least as difficult as the year of cancer treatment. I have felt like I have been completely de-constructed. During the rush of fear and panic while I had cancer and was being treated for it, I didn't have the time or ability to do anything other than just cope; just scrambling through each day. When I finished my last Radiotherapy treatment and they sent me off out into the world to get on with life again, I felt *so lost*. And then, then I started to have the time to mourn and grieve and process what has happened to me. To work out who I am now. And I am grateful to be here, grateful to be alive - but I'm still working out who I've turned into.
ReplyDeleteOther people don't see the inward struggle - they see that you've finished your treatment and they see that as the end. They've wanted you to be better for so long that they move you into the 'better' category. I haven't worked out how to say - I may not have cancer anymore, but that doesn't mean I'm 'fine'.
I'm glad you can feel and see the positives in your life.
Happy Cancerversary Fran! And what a year it has been. We seem to have a lot of the same thoughts, maybe that holds true with most breast cancer survivors, but, it's always nice to have validation to your thoughts. Here's to many many many more years!!
ReplyDeleteFran,
ReplyDeleteJust wanted you to know WE LOVE YOU. Im sorry we dont ever get to talk. I check your blog on a regular basis to see how you are. I never know what to say or if your tired of talking about it. You always hear diff reactions some people need to talk some wish it would go away . Please dont take our silence as lack of concern. Its just ingnorance on our part.
I dont know how I would get thru something this life changing. You are a hero in my eyes.
I think adoption is awsome! Your such a great mom. I sorry that the ability to have children was taken from you. Any child would be lucky to have you.
Love,
Tiffany
Fran ~ I'm so thankful for the lessons God taught me through you over this past year. You walked the path of breast cancer with such grace, courage, and dignity. You were not reliant on yourself, but on the God who is always working for our good and His glory. Your example and testimony continues to touch countless lives. I feel so blessed to have you as my friend!
ReplyDeleteGod lays you on my heart and mind so often, and as He does, I pray for whatever needs you're currently facing. I don't always know what they are, but I'm so thankful that He does!
Happy Anniversary, my friend!
Fran, I remember your desire for more babies before your cancer news a year ago, and I am so glad you are thinking of adoption. You are such a strong, sweet, caring, REAL woman of God, and I know the Lord will make a way for you to enlarge your family. :)
ReplyDeleteAs Nikki has said, *I* have been encouraged through your cancer journey. Thank you for sharing your heart and struggles with us along the way. On this first year anniversary, please know you are very much loved, and your needs are being covered with prayer. I am sorry you have felt a bit deserted by us. :( I am sending many, many cyber hugs your way!
I pray that as you continue to live your life that the favor and love of God will overwhelm you continually. He is good and that's a fact. :)
With much love,
Missy