2007 Breast Cancer 3 Day

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

The Window of My Mind

I tend to think of myself as a bit of a loner, but not necessarily by choice. I think it is more a product of my circumstances as a child with facial disfigurement. I was the kid that played by myself on the playground, was picked last for kickball teams (well really you aren't picked...that team is stuck with you when you're the last one), and as a teen was the girl that all the guys "just wanted to be friends with". That sort of experience sets a person up to rely on themselves and not get to emotionally invested in people. I don't say all of that to summon sad feelings, guilt, or even pity, it's just how it is. Everyone has their own set of baggage they haul around through life--that just happens to be mine. I set this stage to go on to say that I find for the most part I have overcome my baggage and live my life loving and trusting my family and friends. It is however still a concentrated effort/choice to put myself out there and expose myself to a possible emotionally hurtful experience. I came to the realization today though that as I choose to put myself out there emotionally and rely on others I am often disappointed which sends me back into myself wondering why I bothered in the first place. I don't think my expectations are unrealistic, yet I find myself shaking my head asking "Is what I'm asking that hard to do?". I won't recount the why or who of this scenario to protect the not so innocent, but as unhealthy as it may be I'm just going to rely on me (and my dear sweet Ed) from now on and keep my emotional wounds to a minimum. I am a private person by nature and to put this out into the universe isn't something I would normally do, but somehow it seems appropriate today. Please don't pick my brain for details as I won't reveal them just consider this a glance through the window of my mind and feel like you might know me a little better for having read this...or maybe you just realized you don't know me at all.

7 comments:

  1. Fran,
    I am in aww of your strength everyday. Thankfully God led you to Ed, which in turn led you to me and now I am honored to have you as my sister. I just want you to know I LOVE YOU!!.....janie

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  2. Hey Fran, I was always the last picked too! God has used those days of rejection to build in me a mercy heart. I can see He has done that for you too.
    I have found more and more in my life that people may seem like they want to be there and make promises but they are just that, people. They are fallen and will let us down.
    One time I was feeling low and it seemed like everywhere I turned, no one seemed to be there. It was then, that I heard that still small voice say to my heart "What about me?". He is always there for us Fran and we can always depend on Him in any situation. Trust Him first and foremost.
    I'm thankful for you that you have a wonderful supportive husband and family.

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  3. Fran,

    After reading this blog entry, your other blog entry about insomnia and mouth sores, as well as the blog entry of another friend of mine fighting cancern, I wish I had some helpful words to say to you.

    Simply know that there are people reading your blog that you have never met and probably never will meet, who are also keeping you in their minds and prayers.

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  4. Yours faithfully, EdJanuary 04, 2006

    I Dearest Fran, I am sorry that you are feeling down. It is hard for me to know what to do to help you. But I know that Our God is faithful to the end. So I pray.

    Armor of God
    Eph 6:10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. 12For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

    You are my happy thought. I want to love you more every day. Ed

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  5. Fran, I stand in wonderment of all that you are. You are truly a blessing to us all. I praise the Lord that His plan for Ed was to have you as such a vital part of his life, and ours as well. I can understand how you feel and how cautious you are in sharing even a tiny piece of yourself, it takes much courage to do so.

    I pray that the Lord gives the courage to continue to open the window ever so slightly now and again. I know that the window does get stuck sometimes, but opening the window brings with it ... the smells of Spring flowers ... fresh rain ... always changing to make a better place for all of us. Thanks for cracking the window and revealing yourself to us.

    You are truly an amazing person and I'm grateful to call you sister. I love you bunches! Theresa

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  6. Fran, I'm afraid that reading your blog to keep your phone from ringing off the wall might be interpreted as not caring. A lot of us have vowed to do just that so you can get the rest you need. Please let us know out here if that is what makes you feel like no one cares. We love you and think of you everyday sweetheart. God Bless you......

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  7. Frannie,
    I am the queen of loners.... the "new kid on the block", attending 12 different schools in 12 years; so, I never made friends and honestly can't think of anyone from my past who I could call on for help, emotionally or otherwise! I have spent the last 30 years "getting over" what I thought was a pretty dysfuntional childhood.....or, have I? Your dad and I have spent way too many hours talking about the past, which only serves to feed the bitterness that should have gone away a long time ago. But, time does not heal all wounds, does it? Often the passing of time only increases the infectious quality of untreated emotional wounds. I pray today that whatever emotional wounds remain from your childhood be lifted from you, "forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead...pressing on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called (you) heavenward in Christ Jesus". I have always loved you and you have always had a special place in my heart and life. You continue to hold that spot. If there is ever anything I can do to make things easier for you right now, please call. You know I would be there.

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