Just Sad

I read a book earlier this summer that I really enjoyed. It was Quaker Summer by Lisa Samson. While the book's message was very good, one line has stuck with me. The character is talking about having only one child, and she says:

Knowing I wanted a dozen, He gave me only one.

These words have churned through my heart over the last few months. I long for more children that now due to cancer I will not be able to have. My heart hurts when I think about not feeling those tiny kicks from inside, not hearing that first cry in the delivery room, not seeing that first smile that makes it all worth it. We have talked about adoption, but financially there is just no way it will happen. Knowing I wanted a dozen, He gave me only one. I know that the Lord knows best and maybe His plan is for me to be the mother of only one marvelous blessing. My struggle now is how do I know that I know that I know there are no more little ones in my future? How do I rest in God's plan when my heart aches for it to be different?

So today I'm just sad.