A time to grieve

Seven months have passed since I heard the words "you have cancer". I have come to realize in the last few days that REALITY is just now setting in for me. I have been "strong" throughout this ordeal, but I think strong isn't necessarily the right word. I think a touch of denial is more of an accurate description. No that isn't even right. I've said before that this has been like an out-of-body experience. I have now returned to my body and am living first person once again. Revelations of my new life and the life that is no longer are seeping into my consciousness minute by minute. It is very unsettling.

I appreciate everyone being so happy for me that it's over, but it's never really over. Ok, so I'm not being subjected to toxic waste being pumped into my veins, but at least that had a start and a finish. I will always be dealing with cancer. Will I have a recurrence? Will I get to see Emma grow up? What's that pain in my leg? Is the cancer back? Until you've lived it, you can't understand it.

I'm just now taking in all that has happened to me. It's a big, nasty pill to swallow. Don't get me wrong, I am so very thankful to be cancer-free, but I am now at a place that I can lower my guard long enough to mourn the loss of my former life, my breasts, my ability to bear children. I will look in the mirror at the road map of scars across my chest and know that every day I will be reminded of what has been stolen from me. Again, until you've lived it, you can't understand it.

So if I seem moody or tense....I am. I'm processing a life changing experience.