I am so ready for this cancer mess to be finished. I had my final round of chemo a week ago. I know I should be jumping for joy, but frankly I'm to darn tired to jump. This last round has left me weary in body, mind and soul. I am coming into my "bad" week when my numbers drop and then maybe there will be some light shining at the end of the tunnel after that. I will have bloodwork done for the next two weeks and then I will have a two week reprieve. I will then go back in for labs to make sure I am still improving and Dr. Q said I will probably have a scan of some sort. If all goes well he will then monitor me 3 times a year.
I'm not sure if all cancer patients have this feeling, but I have been thinking about how my life will be different in just a few weeks. I won't have to schedule my life around lab work. I won't have to hope that I feel well enough to go buy groceries. I won't have to dread the next round of chemo. I have a great sense of feeling lost without cancer. What will I do with myself each day? Don't get me wrong--I am very happy to be cancer-free. It has just consumed every moment and thought since November. It's as if I don't know how to think about anything else anymore. What did I do each day before I was diagnosed? How do you go back to a "normal" life? Do you even get to go back to that life? I am forever changed.
Now I guess I get to focus on the little victories. I get to watch my hair grow back in and stick around for a while. I get to finish my reconstruction this summer and feel whole again. I get to watch Emma slowly forget that I was ever sick. Finally she will come to a point when she stops asking, "Mommy, you don't feel good?"
I will get my life back.
2007 Breast Cancer 3 Day
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"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven" Ecclesiastes 3:1.
ReplyDeleteThis season is almost past in your life. The Lord will truly use your experience to be a support to someone else in the future.
Bless you.
Kim
Sweet Fran ~ Tears fill my eyes as I think about the courage and grace which God has placed within you over these past several months.
ReplyDeleteI think of Job's words in Job 42:5 ~ "I had heard of You by the hearing of the ear, but now my eyes have seen You." You're right, Fran, you'll never be the same. You've seen His might...His power...His faithfulness. He's used these months to bring glory to Himself, and you're reflecting Him beautifully.
My love and prayers are with you ~
Hi Fran, I emailed you a couple of times early in your journey with cancer and have been following your story. What a feeling, right?! I was trying to think how I felt when treatments were FINALLY over. I do remember being soooo tired but I have to say I felt "VICTORIOUS" the first time I had the energy to unload the dishwasher - now does that sound pathetic or what?! But I do remember calling my mom & being so excited about it! Ha! Now if I was "over the moon" about that - can you imagine my first trip to the GROCERY STORE!? But I do want to say GOD IS SO GREAT! I am rejoicing for you! Patti
ReplyDeleteFran, I just read your blog from start to finish, but this entry is where I want to comment. Next week I have my last Herceptin treatment (of 51), and for the first time, since dx 2 years ago, I will be done with treatment (except Tamoxifen, but that's different. 3 more years of that). My body looks like a road map, my soul has been lifted then crushed then lifted again through all of this, but somehow, we survive. There are some good books out there for life after breast cancer treatment, one is mentioned in my blog, but chemo brain strikes again, I can't remember it. Anyway, I just wanted to touch base with you and let you know that you are an inspiration to more people than you know. Just ask your friends, they'll tell you. Keep on keeping on.....
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