I fail to see the humor in all of this...

Just when you think you have a handle on your cancer routine, it spins out of control just to keep things interesting. As scheduled my white count dropped to .5 as of Monday's bloodwork. I took my 3 shots in the stomach and planned to come back on Tuesday for more bloodwork. Well I have been fighting nausea this round more than normal. Monday night was the worst I've felt through this entire ordeal. I was miserable by Tuesay, running a fever and felt like walking death. I went in for lab work and my count was still .5. The doctor decided to put me on two different antibiotics due to the fever and my counts not improving. I was hooked up through my port for 2 hours to take Rocephin and Levaquin. I also took a bag of Anzemet--the anti-nausea drug from heaven. Oh and two more shots in the stomach. On to Wednesday, same process as the day before--antibiotics, Anzemet and shots. Today I thought I would just have lab work, but no that would be easy. My white count in only .8 today that equals 3 more stomach shots today and I had to take the antibiotics again. To top it off that will be my routine tomorrow as well. As you can see, it has been a miserable week and it is just so frustrating. I also have to bring home shots to give myself this weekend. This will make a new record of 16 shots in the stomach in one week. I am so tired of this. My only saving grace is that I know from next week on each day will bring marked improvement with no chemo looming in the future.

Is it really almost over?

I am so ready for this cancer mess to be finished. I had my final round of chemo a week ago. I know I should be jumping for joy, but frankly I'm to darn tired to jump. This last round has left me weary in body, mind and soul. I am coming into my "bad" week when my numbers drop and then maybe there will be some light shining at the end of the tunnel after that. I will have bloodwork done for the next two weeks and then I will have a two week reprieve. I will then go back in for labs to make sure I am still improving and Dr. Q said I will probably have a scan of some sort. If all goes well he will then monitor me 3 times a year.

I'm not sure if all cancer patients have this feeling, but I have been thinking about how my life will be different in just a few weeks. I won't have to schedule my life around lab work. I won't have to hope that I feel well enough to go buy groceries. I won't have to dread the next round of chemo. I have a great sense of feeling lost without cancer. What will I do with myself each day? Don't get me wrong--I am very happy to be cancer-free. It has just consumed every moment and thought since November. It's as if I don't know how to think about anything else anymore. What did I do each day before I was diagnosed? How do you go back to a "normal" life? Do you even get to go back to that life? I am forever changed.

Now I guess I get to focus on the little victories. I get to watch my hair grow back in and stick around for a while. I get to finish my reconstruction this summer and feel whole again. I get to watch Emma slowly forget that I was ever sick. Finally she will come to a point when she stops asking, "Mommy, you don't feel good?"

I will get my life back.

A Special Thank You

I just wanted to send a special thank you to The Mom's Club. I have been a member since January 2005. Emma and I attended a weekly playgroup before I was diagnosed (which we both really miss). I haven't been involved in any activities since my diagnosis, but I'm looking forward to participating more after this last round of chemo is over.

The Mom's Club has been great support. They gave me a gift certificate for a Home Cleaning. I found that very helpful after my 4th round of chemo. I had lots of family coming in for my surgery and my house needed a good cleaning. They just recently sent me two gift cards for restaurants. We've been out to eat twice already and still have probably 2 more meals left on the cards. This has REALLY been a life saver. I rarely feel like cooking these days and being able to go out has been great. I also just received a letter from MD Anderson Cancer Center. The Mom's Club donated funds in my honor. What a wonderful group of women I have supporting me! I thank you each and every one for your continued thoughts and prayers. I look forward to seeing you all again soon and saying thank you face to face.

Thank you again,
Fran

A new record

Last week was my "bad" week. I felt ok, but my white count was low as usual. I set a new record of 14 shots in the stomach last week. Yep, 14. To add insult to injury I had to administer 8 of those myself! Can you believe it? Me putting needles into my stomach? It's true. You can do amazing things when you have to. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be physically, but the psychological aspect of sticking a needle in your body was hard. It just goes against everything we are programmed to think about needles. Thankfully this is my good week so I hopefully am done with stomach shots until the next round of chemo. Which by the way, is scheduled for Monday the 17th.

Update on hair loss--it's going! My eyebrows are almost gone and my head hair is just starting to let loose. I am hoping it won't all fall out, but who am I kidding.

5 more weeks...and counting

This round of chemo was rough the first week, but now in my normally bad second week I'm feeling well. My white count is currently .4 which as you know by now is practically gone. I took my 2 shots in the stomach with a smile yesterday and will be going back in at noon today for 2 more. I just keep reminding myself...5 more weeks.

I've mentioned the peach fuzz growing on my head already, but I should note that my hair is growing back everywhere else too. I had to shave my legs for the first time in 4 months. I am happy to have hair on my head again, but I certainly haven't missed shaving! Oh and speaking of new hair growth, my eyebrows have so many new hairs coming in that they are pushing out the old long ones. I managed to hold onto my eyebrows through 4 rounds of chemo and now new hair is going to be their demise! Go figure...Oh well--I am assuming still that this round of chemo will destroy my new peach fuzz-- so what if my eyebrows go too.

While being thrilled that chemo is almost over I have to admit that I am a bit sad at the thought of not seeing some of my nurses. They become such a part of your everyday (literally) that it will seem odd to not see them any more.