Welcome to the World of Breast Cancer

be encouraged Christmas is still Special

2010-12-22T19:32:00.007-05:00

To all of Fran’s friends especially in the FIAR community your love and awesome display of love and is over whelming. My heart for my wife still beats for her and longs for her; the sadness is real every day. But the gesture of love and comfort that you gave me is very special I knew that it would be but it goes beyond my expectations. Thank you all. I sent out the following to many of our friends and family because I wanted to share how good, gracious, and kind God is.

I thought that I would share this with all of you since everyone has been so great to my family this year. It is not to be taken lightly how we all impact each others lives. I in no way want to come across as proud or boastful my heart in sharing this is just to encourage you and remind you that God is good even in our deepest hurt and pain.

Today the verse in my devotional was II Cor. 1: 3-7 All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. For the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ. Even when we are weighed down with troubles, it is for your comfort and salvation! For when we ourselves are comforted, we will certainly comfort you. Then you can patiently endure the same things we suffer. We are confident that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in the comfort God gives us.

Fran was an active blogger and home school mom the following will tell her story and how she was loved as you read both of the links below from two of Fran’s friends. Emma and I read both of these before going to bed last night.

May your Christmas be blessed, to all of our friends.

Ed, Fran
Emma, Eden, E.J., Elliott, Eric

You may want to grab a Kleenex.

Marcy and I both have a blog post up if you'd like to read them sometime. Marcy's is here... http://www.benandme.net/2010/12/for-fran.html and mine is here... http://trainingheartsathome.blogspot.com/2010/12/delivering-frans-quilts.html.

FIAR Mom Chrity daughter Kelli, FIAR Mom Marcy, Emma and Ed

Into your hands...........

2010-06-18T06:49:00.008-04:00

Well the angels in heaven rejoiced Wednesday morning at 9:35 AM as they ushered my sweet Fran into the presence of our LORD. What a day to meet Jesus it was the kind of morning we enjoyed many days, quite blue sky, with a slight breeze outside and with her family at her side.

I am to heart broken to have much to say right now. But I will say that out of the mouths of babes God speaks. Our sweet daughter Emma summed up the day as we shared our evening meal with out Fran by saying "this has been a great day!" My reply was "it has been a great day. Why was it a great day for you?" She smiled at me with the sweetest twinkle in her eyes. "Mommy went home to be with Jesus!" Oh for the confidence and peace of a child I pray that I can keep that today and tomorrow as the shell of who Fran was is laid to rest.

I am not sure if I can come back here and post on Fran's behalf. So for now I leave you with one request and prayer please follow this link to the last song we will play at our Celebration of Life for Fran Saturday at noon. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9n14NKh9phU I am blessed of God to have had the privilege of being her husband and twice blessed to be the father of our daughters Emma and Eden. Fran leaves a heritage in this world that will make a difference in Jesus name Amen and Amen.

Update for my dearest Fran

2010-06-14T21:15:00.004-04:00

Well it is now June 14th and Fran's last post was My 16th. As many of you know who have followed Fran's blog she is very faithful to share her heart and lifes experiences through this medium. It has not been due to her lack of having something to say but more her ability to say what she wanted to say.

The facts are that she is not in any shape to post. The treatment plan she was on was not successful. The cancer found a way to mutate and continue on its rampage of her body. She is currently under Hosparus care and we are keeping her as pain free as possible.

It is with a heavy heart that I am posting for her at this time. We have tried to have her dictate what she wants to say but that has not been possible. A side effect of having liver failure from the cancer is having major fatigue making her sleep most of the day, and then the effects of the pain meds compound that more.

This is so hard for me to write about my best friend and wife. We have had a great life together with so much to be thankful for. The daughter we share is the highlight of our life together and is Fran's crowning achievement and gift to this world.

As Fran's time here with us comes to an end she is confident in the life that she is looking forward to which is hope in her eternal life to come. Her faith in her Saviour Jesus Christ has always been central to who she is but she has never forced her self on anyone but she has not kept her faith a secret either.

I will make one last post soon on her behalf, but for now know that she is at peace.

Chemotherapy....isn't it romantic?

2010-05-16T10:39:00.003-04:00

See when it comes to cancer, you can never assume anything. The last time I posted I was on Day 13 with one day left of chemo pills. I was doing relatively well with high hopes for a great week off. Boy, I was wrong.

I took my last pills on Day 14 and went to bed that night. I awoke the next morning to a mouth full of sores and serious bathroom issues. Again trying to avoid grossing out my reading audience, I will just say that I spent about 5 days in my bathroom. No fun. About the time that began to resolve itself the bloating began. My abdomen began to swell and I became increasingly more uncomfortable.

I went to the doctor for my labs and to discuss this round of chemo. He said we would have to keep me at this dosage to remain effective. I'm not thrilled if this means my entire week "off" will be spent dealing with side effects. I plan to discuss this at my next visit. The more pressing matter is my ever expanding abdomen. I am now caring about 10 extra pounds of fluid. I can't do anything except stay flat on my back to relieve the pressure. It's pretty miserable.

I am scheduled to go in tomorrow morning to have the fluid drained from my abdomen. It is supposed to make me feel instantly better which is what I am hoping for since Ed and I are leaving for Maine on Wednesday. At first I was very nervous at the thought of them putting a needle in my abdomen to pull off this fluid, but as the days have progressed and I've grown larger by the day, I can't wait to get to the hospital in the morning.

I thankfully have a reprieve on the chemo since Ed and I are taking this mini vacation to Maine. I will be starting my pills again on Saturday the 22nd. Can you hear the excitement in my voice? What a great way to end a romantic get-away....chemotherapy. There's just nothing more romantic.

Day 13 of 14

2010-05-06T14:12:00.003-04:00

I am now on day 13 of 14 days of chemo treatment. While this round has been gentler on my body for the most part, exhaustion has been my problem this cycle. My hands and feet just started getting red and feeling burned yesterday although the entire soles of my feet have been peeling off. Gross, I know. My throat is a bit raw and I've had the occasional nose bleed, but as a whole, it's been so much better.

I have found if I want to be productive at all I must do it before I take my morning dose of chemo pills. Within 1/2 hour of taking them I begin to feel nauseous and just need to sit down. Sleep is preferred at this point, but with children in the house it's usually not happening. It's ok though, I go to bed early and try to get caught up that way.

Eating is random at best. Most days nothing sounds appealing. Often if something does, I attempt it only to find out my mouth or digestive track doesn't agree. You can only eat so much ice cream before even that loses it's appeal. I'm looking forward to the coming week when my appetite will return and my body will cooperate.

I also had another Zometa treatment and Avastin treatment this week. They were pretty uneventful although something in the mix caused me to run a fever of 102 for a couple of days. Who knows...it's a wonder all this chemical mess doesn't cause more issues than it helps.

I will have another round or two of the chemo before they scan me for results. I don't have a sense one way or the other about how it's working. My liver isn't as sore, but I have more swollen lymph nodes in my neck then before. We'll see soon I guess.

Thanks to everyone for your continued love and support. I can't tell you how much it means. I'd love to write to you all with personal notes of thanks, but I just don't have the energy. Please take no offense to my lack of response. Life is harder on this end than I convey on this blog. Your prayers and support help keep me going. Thank you.

So I'm signing off at day 13 assuming that 14 will be uneventful. I'll get back to you soon as we move forward in this journey. For now I'm going to enjoy my upcoming week off hopefully not talking or thinking about cancer.

I'm Still Alive

2010-04-19T16:30:00.003-04:00

After seeing my oncologist on Thursday, we decided that it was best for me to put my treatment on hold for a few days. I will start my chemo pills again on April 24 at a lower dosage. Hopefully this lower dosage will not produce such severe side effects this next time around. In the meantime, I am recovering from the 9 days worth of pills I did take. I have now been without them for 1 week. Most of my symptoms are gone except for a few residual mouth sores. I still can't eat my normal menu, but it has improved from the air and water I was able to consume for a few days there.

Today I had my second Avastin treatment. It didn't cause me any problems last time. I am hopeful this round will be uneventful as well. I am a bit nervous to start my chemo pills again this weekend. I am just now starting to feel "better" (and I use that word loosely). It's all about finding the right balance of medications. I know I won't be able to go through this without side effects, but if we can them down to a minimum that would be great. Thanks.

So that is the latest news in the world of breast cancer. I hope to come to you again soon with a much happier report. They've all been a bit dark and sad lately, but you know what....that's been my life with cancer lately.

My Body Says NO

2010-04-13T08:17:00.003-04:00

Nine days was apparently my limit. If you've been following along you know that I've had some side effects from day one. I reached my limit Sunday night. In the spirit of being real and sharing what it's like to live life with cancer, I want to share the full details. However, since I know many of you in real life I will try to be delicate and not share so much that seeing you out socially will cause an awkward moment for us. :)

My mouth has finally fully erupted in open, bloody sores. They are throughout my mouth and down my throat. This is also indicative of what is going on with my other soft membranes--mainly my intestines. If I have open, bloody sores in my mouth then I have them in my intestines as well. I received proof of that after going to the restroom Sunday morning. I won't get anymore graphic then that, but let's just say it was alarming.

My feet have now also developed blisters on the soles. They are large about the size of quarters and are on the balls of my feet at the moment. My hands are running a bit behind my feet, but I think they are headed in the same direction. I am also starting to have nose bleeds.

So with all of that coming to a head Sunday night, I decided to not take my chemo pills yesterday morning and call my oncologist. He agreed for me to stop them until he sees me on Thursday. We will look at my lab work, review the results of the bone scan I had yesterday and then decide how to proceed. I'm happy for the reprieve. This poor little body is in pretty bad shape right now.

On a good note though, my liver pain is much less. Side effects=killing cancer...hopefully.

One Week Down

2010-04-10T08:50:00.002-04:00

I now have one week of chemotherapy behind me. I also have one week of chemotherapy ahead of me still. The side effects haven't been so bad. I developed my first mouth sore yesterday. It's about the size of a dime and is on the inside of my bottom lip. Pretty miserable. I am a bit nervous knowing I still have a week of pills to take, but so far it has all been managable. The drug I am on sometimes causes Hand-Foot Syndrome. It is basically where the soles of your feet and the palms of your hands become extremely sensitive. They become red and inflamed and can even break out with blisters. I do have the beginning stages of this. My hands and feet are bright red. The best way to describe it is like a really bad sunburn. This wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have to walk around on that sunburn and use my hands for everything that I do. It's pretty uncomfortable. On a happy note though, I am having less pain in my liver. I am extremely hopeful that this medicine with all it's nasty side effects is actually doing it's job and killing the cancer in my body.

Life around the house is still running a little out of sync. I haven't found the balance between resting and living. While I would love to lay in bed all day, I have kids, a husband, and a house that need me. Many people want to help out and I appreciate that, but the reality is that this is my new life. I will always be on some kind of treatment. I will always been dealing with side effects and let's face it, I'll probably never feel "normal" again. So I have to pull myself up by the bootstraps and get on with it. Some days will be hard and I'll probably spend them in bed, but most days I just have to get up and live.

Thanks to everyone for the awesome show of support. I appreciate your cards, gifts and prayers so very much. I'll keep you posted as we go into this next week of chemo. Pray that the side effects are tolerable and that this medicine is doing it's job.

Treatment Continues and Life Goes On

2010-04-04T14:25:00.004-04:00

Friday I had my first infusion of Avastin. While the potential list of scary side effects is long, the reality it most people aren't even aware they've received the drug. Thankfully I seem to be in that group. Other than feeling a little run down Friday night, it was business as usual around here.

Dad and Becky have been here this weekend. The girls have been BUSY!! There has been major Easter egg hunting every day. Lots of candy consumed. The girls are so pleased. Pops and Grammy ROCK!

I also started my chemotherapy pills on Saturday morning. I have now had 1.5 days worth and seem to be feeling okay. I am a little nauseated, but I already was before due to my liver being enlarged. I have noticed that my taste buds have already started changing. This was a problem when I took chemo the first time. I lost my sense of taste for weeks at a time. Let me tell you, it sure takes the fun out of eating. I made pot roast and all that goes with it for Easter dinner today and banana pudding for dessert and couldn't taste most of it. What I did taste seemed super salty to me (though everyone assured me it wasn't). So needless to say, even if I felt like eating...what's the point? There's no fun in it if you can't taste it!!

So all in all, I am feeling good so far. I still have 12 more days of pills though, so I reserve the right to withdraw that statement! :)

Thanks for all of the cards, gifts, prayers and support. It means so very much to us all!

Treatment Begins

2010-04-01T14:40:00.004-04:00

I am home from my first infusion of Zometa. I won't have any side effects from this drug as it is just used to strengthen my bones. This infusion did require the nurse to access my port for the first time since it was placed in my chest last week. Having been through this before, I knew to ask my doctor for a prescription for numbing cream last week. I applied my cream as directed and didn't even feel the LARGE needle as it was poked into my chest. However, I did end up crying. Today was my "welcome to reality" moment. The first time I had cancer I had this moment as we shaved my head on the backporch. The moment that cancer became my reality. Today it was as she put the needle in my chest. This is my life. This is my new normal.

On another note, we also got back the pathology report today. This sneaky little cancer has mutated. I've been taking medicine for the last 4 years because my cancer fed on estrogen. Well come to find out, the cancer mutated and no longer feeds on estrogen. This is how the cancer has grown and spread. I've had nothing in my body fighting it off. So I am now what is called triple negative.

estrogen receptor negative (ER-)
progesterone receptor negative (PR-)
Her2 negative

This doesn't change my treatment plan. I will still be receiving Zometa for my bones, Avastin to cut off the blood supply to the tumors and chemotherapy in pill form (Xeloda). Basically being triple negative just means that we don't have the hormone therapy options like we did before.

My doctor seems to think the treatment will actually be less harsh than the first time around. Nausea should be minimal. I should keep my hair. I won't have the horrible weeks due to low blood counts therefore no shots in the stomach. I hesitate to say I'm looking forward to this treatment, but if is is half as easy as he makes it out to be---I'VE GOT THIS!!

So tomorrow I will have my first Avastin infusion and my chemo pills should arrive via UPS as well. I also have a follow-up with my surgeon tomorrow to remove stitches in my neck and around my port.

In the world of cancer, it's been a good day.

What We Learned Today

2010-03-29T19:11:00.002-04:00

Today I met with my oncologist to learn more about the cancer that has invaded my body. Unfortunately not all of the pathology reports were in to him yet. This is what we do know. On Thursday I will go in for an infusion of Zometa through the port in my chest. This drug is not chemotherapy. It is basically used to strengthen my bones. Since we know there is cancer in my spine, I need to keep it as strong as possible to prevent fractures in the future. I will receive this treatment once a month.

We also learned that I will be treated with a pill form of chemotherapy. This drug is called Xeloda. It comes with the standard side effects of chemotherapy although most patients don't lose their hair. It comes with diarrhea, mouth sores, nausea and vomiting, nerve pain, and sometimes blisters on your hands and feet. Sounds pleasant, huh? I will take this medication twice a day for 14 days and then have 7 days off of it before we begin the cycle again.

The last thing we learned was that we have to wait on the pathology to determine the last drug choice for treatment. If the cancer has the same pathology as my original cancer then I will be treated with a drug called Avastin. This will be given through my port twice a month. It is not chemotherapy either. It is a monoclonal antibody. The short version is that it cuts off the blood supply to the tumors therefore hopefully killing them.

If the pathology is different, then other drug combinations will be considered. We will know these results Thursday when I go in for my first infusion of Zometa.

So it comes down to this: my liver is very sick. We will be focusing on making it better. The perk is that the other cancer in my spine and lymph nodes will hopefully be destroyed along the way.

There is no magic combination out there that will CURE me. The key now is to shrink/kill the cancer that I have and thus prevent it from spreading further. I will be on some form of treatment indefinitely. There should be times that I will be able to "take a break" from treatment if we seem to have it well under control, but that is quite a time from now.

And so it begins...

Tests and More Tests

2010-03-29T08:07:00.003-04:00

This last week has been a bit foggy for me. I thought now that I am coherent, I should document everything that I know happened (whether I remember it or not).

As mentioned before, I had a CTscan which revealed that the cancer had indeed metastasized. I also had chest x-rays. I have since had an MRI of my spine and my brain. We will find out those results today.

On Wednesday of last week, I went in for day surgery to remove the lymph node in my neck that was enlarged. They will use it for the pathology of this cancer. The surgeon also placed a port-a-cath back in my chest for chemo. The anesthesia for this was brutal. I came home the same day, but haven't had a clear head until yesterday (Sunday) and surgery was Wednesday! I know that I talked with many of you on the phone, but I don't remember it. Sorry. It was a strange reaction to anesthesia, but we've come to the conclusion that my liver must have had a difficult time metabolizing the medication since it is already compromised.

Today we will go see my oncologist and hear all of the results of these tests with more detail. We will learn the pathology of this cancer and we will discuss his plan of action to get this cancer under control.

As an afterthought, I will be having a complete bone scan on Wednesday. This information will be important as well, but compared to my liver, the lesions on my bones aren't as urgent. So that is where we stand. I will post again later when we return from the doctor's office.

Stay tuned...

You Wanna Piece of Me?

2010-03-23T08:19:00.000-04:00

I just don’t understand. I did everything that they told me to do. Yet here I sit just 4 days from hearing the word CANCER again. Back pain and the pain/bloating in my liver didn’t give it away. It was tiny little lymph node that just wouldn’t give up. “Here I am. Notice me.” That little lymph node caused me to call my oncologist. The ever increasing back pain made me worry.

Now I know that cancer has made itself right at home once again within my body. This time though it won’t easily be defeated. My spine has numerous lesions, many lymph nodes in my neck and chest are cancerous, but most troubling is my liver. After a CT scan on Friday, we now know that I have EXTENSIVE lesions within my liver. The surgeon explained to me yesterday that there are 8 lobes to your liver and I have cancer in every lobe. Hey, when I do something—I do it BIG!

The many swirling thoughts have begun? How long do I have? What will Ed do without me? The list goes on and on. I am going in for an MRI today to get a better idea of what is on my spine and also to look at my brain. We do not know if the cancer has set up shop there yet. From a symptom standpoint I feel ok about my brain, but cancer in sneaky. It is a tool of Satan. It comes to steal, kill and destroy. My only saving grace and I do mean SAVING GRACE is that I have God on my side. This doesn’t mean that He will heal me (at least not on this earth). It means that He will be with me as I fight this fight. I’m not mad. Not yet. Right now I am just filled with great sadness knowing that my life will be cut short here on Earth and that Emma will have to go through life without me. Even typing those words makes me nauseous. I can’t wrap my brain around that yet. Quite frankly I don’t want to.

So today I will go see if there are any other landmines in my body that I will have to make an attack plan for. Tomorrow they will remove my enlarged lymph node and use it for pathology. We need to know exactly what the enemy looks like in order to beat it. I will also have a port put back in my chest for the chemo that is in my future. Next week when all the reports are in, I will meet with my oncologist to hear my prognosis and learn of the battle plan. I intend to fight. While the prospect of heaven is wonderful, I’m just not ready to go walk the streets of gold yet. I don’t know what the Lord has in store for me, but I know He uses ALL THINGS for the good of those who love Him. There is a purpose in all of this. Good WILL come out of it. While it is hard to see through the darkness right now….LIGHT always defeats darkness. He is my Light, my Saviour, and my Lord.

Let the battle begin.

You've GOT to be kidding me!

2010-03-20T09:17:00.000-04:00

I have happily been able to ignore this blog for many years now. I have given the occasional update about hair growth or medicine changes, but all in all my cancer journey has been uneventful these last 4.5 years.

Everything has changed.

Six weeks ago I felt a swollen lymph node in the lower part of my neck. After 3 weeks it was still there so I made and appointment to see my oncologist. While waiting for my appointment I have progressively begun feeling worse. I am having severe back pain that medicine doesn't help, extreme fatigue and pain/bloating under my right rib (in my liver).

I went in for a CT scan yesterday and they confirmed the worst case scenario for a breast cancer patient. It's metastasized. I have several lesions on my spine, several lymph nodes with cancer in them and the worst is numerous lesions on my liver. At the moment my prognosis is unknown.

I will go in to see a surgeon on Monday. On Wednesday she will remove the main lymph node in my neck and they will use it for the pathology of this cancer. She will also place a port-a-cath back in my chest to make chemo administration easier.

Tuesday I am scheduled for an MRI to look further at my spine and also at my brain. After all of the pathology comes back I will go see my oncologist (probably a week from Monday) and we will formulate our plan of attack and probably hear my prognosis. I am sure we will move quickly as it appears this is an aggressive cancer. I just had bloodwork in December and it all came back normal.

So the big question from everyone is: What can we do? Right now we just need prayers. Until we know how I will be treated and what that will look like we are just in a holding pattern--life as usual.

I will begin updating this blog to keep everyone informed just like the first time around. Please feel free to call, but don't be hurt if I don't get right back to you. I already feel worse than I did the first time around and I haven't even started treatment yet. Your support means so much, but it can be exhausting trying to talk to everyone each day.

It's going to be a long fight. I know the Lord has a plan in all of this. While I don't understand it right now, hopefully someday it will all be revealed to me. We will try to carry on living life one day at a time and enjoying every moment.

Thanks for your love and support.

Can You Believe It's Been 5 Years?!

2010-01-07T16:18:00.001-05:00

2010 marks 5 years since I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I won't reach this milestone until November, but a few months ago I started thinking about how I was going to celebrate being free from cancer. In 2007 I participated in the Komen 3Day (walking 60 miles in 3 days) to celebrate the end of treatment and life returning to normal. However, I didn't finish the walk. I wasn't physically up to it. I said then that if I make it to the coveted 5 year mark that I would walk the 3Day again. So I looked it up and decided to participate in the walk taking place in Chicago on August 6-8. My sister Kelli couldn't walk it with me the first go-round, but said she'd love to do it with me at the 5 year mark. So I called her up and am holding her to the promise! She's joining me, so we formed a team: The Rack Pack. (Thanks for the name Kelli.) I began talking about it with my friends Diana and Rebecca and they wanted to walk too! So now The Rack Pack is 4 members strong! If anyone else is interested in joining us, I will share a link to our team page where you can register to be a member of our team.

For those of you that followed me last time, you know that the biggest obstacle is not walking the 60 miles, but raising the money: $2300 a walker minimum. It seems like a lot, but it is such an important cause. Knowing now that I am a genetic carrier of the breast cancer gene mutation only makes my urgency greater. Emma has not been genetically tested, but it is something that we will do in the future. She needs to know her risk, and with statistics at 1 in 8 women being diagnosed with breast cancer she needs to be ahead of the curve. Money for research is continually needed. This research has also led to break-throughs for other types of cancer. I know some people feel like other forms of cancer don't get as much publicity as breast cancer, but all cancer benefits from continued research and trials.

Soon I will begin bombarding your inboxes and mailboxes with fundraising requests. You will be sick of hearing about this before spring even arrives I'm sure! :) How can you feel good about yourself when yet another email or letter arrives? Knowing that you've already joined in my CELEBRATION by donating to me and perhaps even to some of my other team members!!

Please help me meet my goal as soon as possible. You can go to my donation page and make a donation online or you can print off a donation form and mail in your donation.

Thank you for loving me and supporting me and for helping Emma's future look a little brighter that perhaps a cure will be found for this disease soon!

Time to Talk Ta-Tas

2009-10-02T17:08:00.000-04:00

I can't believe March was the last time I updated this blog. I guess, if you think about it, the lack of activity on this blog is really a GOOD thing. Life goes on after cancer.

As you know it is October--Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Have you had your mammogram this year? Did you do a self exam this month? Have you even thought about your "girls" lately? If not, you really should. Those "girls" make your shirts looks nice, can feed your children and let's face it--we couldn't wait to get them when we were little. We should be taking better care of them!!

I am quickly approaching my 4 year cancer anniversary. Can you believe it's been 4 years since I was diagnosed? I can't. I'm already thinking about next year though. The 5 year mark. That's the big one. If you make it to 5 years without recurrence the medical industry jumps for joy. I know I'll be jumping too. In fact, to celebrate the occasion next year I am planning on walking the Komen 3Day again. I wasn't fully prepared when I did it in 2007. I wasn't as strong as I needed to be post-treatment. I said then that I wanted to walk it again in 2010 to mark my 5 years. I haven't decided which walk I will join, but I'm leaning towards the Chicago walk in August. I'm so excited about it. Yes, it's a long way off, but I'm ready for it. The training, the fundraising, the anticipation...it's all so exciting. Stay tuned for details.

As far as my health...great. We finally have me on a medication that works for me. The Fareston is working without noticeable side effects. I'm probably feeling the best I have since diagnosis. I'm losing weight and have been running 2 miles almost every day. I'm due for a check up in a few months, but I don't anticipate it to amount to much.

So girls, go get your ta-tas checked. It's not the most enjoyable way to spend an afternoon, but you're worth it.

Haven't I Said This All Before?

2009-03-03T04:10:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I went to see Dr. H. He is about as pleasant as a rock. I know I have complained about him before, but I feel like medically he is fine. It is his bedside manner that is lacking. I always come away feeling like the bad guy--like I've been scolded by a parent. I'm debating on changing doctors.

As far as the update, well life is pretty much the same. I am now taking toremifine (brand name: Fareston). I have been on it about 3 weeks and so far I'm handling it ok. I do have a few of the same symptoms: tightness in my hands, body aches, lethargy. All of these symptoms are manageable right now though.

I asked the doctor what would be the plan if this medication doesn't work for me, and basically there isn't one. I'm down to the wire. There aren't other drugs (with proven results) that I can take. He actually said he would be scared for me not to be on any medication. Boy, that is comforting. So it all comes down to this little pill.

Oh and my bone scan was perfectly clean--Yay, no mets!!

So I'm not sure how I'm feeling about all of this. I don't like being on this medication, but if the side effects are tolerable I don't really have a choice. As always, I'll keep you posted as developments arise!

The Super Metabolizer Bites the Dust

2009-01-03T06:48:00.001-05:00

When I last left you in this saga the doctor had put me back on Tamoxifen. My other drugs were not cooperating and were giving me some extreme side effects. I had also had some lab work done to determine if I had enough of a particular enzyme which is required to break down Tamoxifen properly. Those test results revealed that I am what the doctor calls a "super metabolizer". This means that I process Tamoxifen wonderfully and am getting the full potential of this drug in preventing recurrence.

Fast forward to the last couple of months. I have been having the same horrible side effects on Tamoxifen. Fatigue....fatigue...fatigue. Did I mention fatigue? Debilitating bone pain. Every part of my body hurts. I decided to conduct a little experiment to see if it really was the meds. I went off of it for 3 weeks and my symptoms disappeared. I went back on it and within 3 weeks they were all back. BINGO! We have a winner. So I stopped taking Tamoxifen and called my doctor to make an appointment.

I saw his nurse practitioner on Wednesday. I explained my situation and she ended up calling my doctor at home to ask what to do. Now my doctor as I've said before is BIG into "the latest research". I guess this is a good thing, but it makes me feel a little bit like a guinea pig. He said that because I am a super metabolizer I am probably having more side effects because I break down the medicine TOO WELL. I just can't seem to catch a break. Apparently there is a new study...blah...blah...blah that said that the drug Toremifine has the same success results as Tamoxifen. He wants me to try it. Here is the fun part--it's not widely used in the U.S.. Tamoxifen is the drug of choice. The nurse practitioner told me that my pharmacy would not have it in stock and would have to order it. I'm not sure why this bothers me, but it does. And sure enough my local pharmacy doesn't carry it. In fact they have to send it to their national pharmacy in Florida to fill it. Then they will mail it to me. Who knows if it's covered by insurance?! All to take a handful of pills that may or may not work for me. I'm not optimistic.

So the medicine saga continues. I'm running out of options though. The next option is no meds which is scary. I had resolved myself to accept that fate this week, but we're going to try this one last pill. I'm to the point now where it really comes down to quality of life versus quantity. While I am certainly not planning on leaving this earth anytime soon, I want to be able to enjoy the time I have left here. Pain free. Not fatigued. I've gained 10 pounds in the last 4 months. That is unacceptable. Weight gain is a side effect, but when you hurt and are too tired to move the pounds find you quickly.

I am also waiting for an appointment for a bone scan. I haven't been scanned since we left Houston in 2006. I have one spot in my spine that is bothering me still even after being off my meds for weeks now. I'm not worried about it though. Frankly I think I'm just getting old, but my doctor wants to scan me just in case.

I'll let you know how the new meds are doing and the results of the scan when we know them. In the meantime...

Look up in the sky! It's a bird, it's a plane, it's.....Super Metabolizer! Coming to fight cancer in your neighborhood soon!

Chemo Curls Update

2008-12-26T13:28:00.000-05:00

I was reading through old blog entries and realized that I haven't posted a hair update. I've had several cuts as it has grown in so the length isn't accurate anymore, but the curls cannot be denied. It is the craziest thing! I don't wear it curly very often as I'm still accustomed to straight hair, but I did capture this picture Christmas Eve.

3 Years and Counting

2008-11-02T07:23:00.000-05:00

Today is my 3 year mark. Three years ago I was diagnosed and as of today I am free from cancer. After my scare a few months ago, I am so relieved to have made it to this day. I just visited my oncologist earlier this week and have now been moved to 6 month visits. My Tamoxifen is working beautifully with no side effects, so on a daily basis I'm not thinking about cancer. I can't tell you how nice it is to feel like life is "normal" again.

I have found that I am still very disconnected from my body. While the new "girls" are nice they still don't feel like mine. When I look in the mirror they still seem foreign to me. I don't know if that will ever change. I have also not been taking care of myself as I should be. I am beginning a workout regimen this week. I have to lose a few pounds and hopefully get back into a body that I recognize.

Princess E turned 5 this week. I am so thankful to have been able to celebrate it with her. At diagnosis all I could think about was my life ending before hers really began. Every year that I get to spend with her is precious. I am also so blessed to have had another year with Ed. He is my rock, my love, my everything. He has been such a great pillar of strength for me these last few years, but also a soft place for me to fall. I love you Ed!

So as I think on things of cancer today, I praise the Lord for his continued blessings. I praise Him for his healing touch. While someday He will call me home and I will be joyful standing in His presence, I am happy that he is giving me a little more time down here!

Better Late Than Never I Guess

2008-09-30T16:18:00.000-04:00

I'm sitting here watching Oprah with mixed feelings. Almost three years ago I wrote to her suggesting that she air a show on breast cancer particularly in young women. I received no response. With her ability to influence the women of the world I thought that a show would be beneficial--a show to really talk about breast cancer.

Today Christina Applegate in on her show discussing her recent diagnosis of breast cancer. While I am saddened that another young woman has been diagnosed, I am happy that she intends to use her celebrity to raise awareness. My problem is why now is Oprah doing a show on this? Did she have to have a celebrity face to make it "show worthy"? I think of all the women that could have been helped if this show had been produced even just three years ago.

Yes, I am aware that it's not Oprah's responsibility to save the world, but I also know that sometimes it isn't about ratings and celebrity either. She is constantly bringing women's issues to the table, so why has it taken so long to talk about breast cancer?

Deja Vu

2008-09-05T05:41:00.000-04:00

**Disclaimer: The following are a series of posts that I had written but not published. I want to post them now to document that they happened, but hopefully not send my family into a panic. I am OK!! We got the test results back and it wasn't cancer!! Praise the Lord!

The dictionary defines deja vu as:

1. the illusion of having previously experienced something actually being encountered for the first time.
2. disagreeable familiarity or sameness

We are going to use definition number 2 for this blog entry--a disagreeable familiarity.

I found a lump. A small, pea-sized lump in the same breast practically in the same spot as my original tumor. This is definitely "disagreeable familiarity".

I went to see my oncologist on Sept. 4th. His PA examined me first, but she didn't feel it. I showed her where it was located and she said "maybe it's just an old stitch". Ok, so I had surgery 2 years ago...I probably would have noticed this before now if it was a stitch. Cross her off the list of people I trust with my life.

Dr. H came in and examined me. He couldn't find the lump either. I pointed it out and he seemed concerned. He said, "Yes, that is new. I think I would have felt that before." I'm thinking: Why do you say that? You didn't feel it right now! This is not building my confidence in breast exams by "professionals". He made a phone call to the one MD Anderson trained breast/surgical oncologist in the Louisville area. She agreed to see me if we could get to her office immediately. (She was leaving to catch a plane somewhere.) We zipped across town to her office and were ushered right in. I like this kind of service, but it makes me nervous too. This seems serious.

She examined me and didn't find the lump either!! So all you ladies that are reading this--YOU need to check your breasts and not rely on the doctor's expertise. After I pointed out the lump, she tried to encourage me by saying it didn't feel like a typical chest wall recurrence (that is what a tumor in the breast after mastectomy is called). I know though that there is nothing "typical" about me when it comes to cancer, so this didn't really give me much peace. She decided to biopsy it right there in her office! She numbed me up and went in after it. I think she removed most of the lump for pathology, but I can't tell due to swelling. She sewed me up and made me an appointment to come back next week, Sept. 11th, for my pathology results.

This entire week and process has been a complete DEJA VU experience. It is happening almost to the letter like it did last time. My gut feeling---it's cancer. I'm prepared to go down this road again. My big fear though is whether or not it's localized in the breast or has it moved elsewhere in my body. I'm sure if my pathology comes back positive there will be some sort of body scan in my immediate future to determine my status.

So we wait...we pray...we go on living because that's all we can do.

September 9, 2008

I am keeping this as all one post in order to get down what I am thinking as I am thinking it.

We have opted not to post this or notify family of this latest development until we know there is something worth reporting or if it's just a false alarm. I don't see any value in getting everyone upset until we know for sure. However, I am still wanting to keep this blog accurate for those that are reading this that aren't family but may be following my journey.

I get my results in 2 days. I am ok one minute and terrified the next. I am prepared to hear that it is cancer. I will be thrilled and shocked if it isn't. I really don't want to do this all over again. I just got my hair back to a length I'm happy with. I just got to a place where I was living my life each day without thinking about cancer. The thought of starting the entire process over again makes my stomach upset. The real worry though is metastasis. If it is cancer then I am sure I will have a scan or two and at that point we will find out if it has spread. This terrifies me to my very core. I am not ready to have Stage 4 cancer. I am not ready to think about a limited life expectancy. There are so many overwhelming thoughts....I'm just not ready.

I know that you aren't supposed to worry until you know for sure, but that's easier said then done if you've already walked this road once. I don't even begin to know how to tell my family if it's cancer. I definitely don't know what to say if it has metastasized. For now we just continue to pray and rest in the knowledge that the Lord is in control. He is faithful.

September 11, 2008
This morning I went in for my test results. I don't think I have ever been so terrified in my life. I just knew that the words "it's cancer" were going to be uttered from her lips. Instead she showed me the pathology report....NO CANCER. She didn't really indicate what the lump was, but reassured us that it wasn't cancer.

We cried the biggest tears of joy that I think are humanly possible. I can't express the joy and relief that washed over my body. Thank you Lord! I am confident that He healed me.

Back To Tamoxifen

2008-07-24T07:50:00.000-04:00

After my last visit I agreed to try Femara. It lasted one week. It made my feet feel like they were on fire. I can't tolerate that nonsense. I stopped taking it for the 3 weeks prior to my appointment. I haven't felt so good in a long time. It was the first time I haven't had cancer drugs in my system in almost 3 years. My debilitating body pain stopped just days after stopping the Aromasin. My hands are still hurting in the morning though.

At my appointment on Monday we decided that I will go back on Tamoxifen. My oncologist is HUGE on scientific studies and gave me a long explanation about new developments with Tamoxifen. Doctors used to believe that some women grew resistant to this drug and therefore it wasn't protecting them from cancer. Research now shows that some women don't have enough of the enzyme that is required to process Tamoxifen correctly. My doctor is running some lab work on me to determine if I am one of those women. If so then we will have to switch me back to an aromatase-inhibitor (boo...hiss). If I'm not one of those women I can keep on taking Tamoxifen and receive great results. I go back in October to find out my results.

He also finally said I can quit taking the Drisdol (mega vitamin D dose). I think that is contributing to my hand pain. Now I just have to take a daily supplement along with my calcium.

So all in all, I am pleased. I'm feeling better...not 100%, but better. Let's just hope all of this mess is worth it. Cancer stay away!!

It's a Bitter Pill to Swallow

2008-06-24T18:39:00.001-04:00

My oncologist was saved today because I was seen initially by his nurse practitioner. SHE was very helpful and actually seemed concerned about my issues. She apparently went back to him and relayed my concerns so when he talked with me his bedside manner was better than usual.

It boils down to this: I have considered myself through with cancer treatment. I thought of the drugs that I have been taking as a dose of prevention. The painful reality is that I am still in the middle of treatment or better yet, I'm in a treatment that will never end. My type of tumor was very aggressive. Even with all of the treatments/precautions we've taken, I have a serious risk of recurrence due to the cancer type as well as the positive genetic mutation. These little pills that are making me miserable are daily treating my body to kill any cancer cells forming. Unfortunately the nurse practitioner had to concede the fact that we don't know long term what these drugs are doing to the rest of my body. So it comes down to basically a roll of the dice--prevent breast cancer recurrence in the short term or possibly cause a different cancer in the long term. Not great options either way if you ask me.

So I caved in and agreed to change to a drug called Femara. It has the same potential side effects as Aromasin, but some women do better on this for some reason--some do worse. I will be going back to the doctor as scheduled in July for a follow-up. We will check my vitamin D levels then and also see how the Femara is working for me.

I'm not happy about any of it. I want to be finished with cancer. I don't want to have to keep fighting this disease. I want to leave it behind and not look back. I'm tired of taking pills. I'm tired of my body being chemically altered. I'm tired of the whole damn process. Oh and to add insult to injury the 10 pounds I've gained since the hysterectomy is normal. As if having cancer and all it's repercussions aren't bad enough, I have to start getting fat too. Thanks cancer--you really know how to make a girl cry.

It's been a while...

2008-06-23T15:30:00.000-04:00

As most cancer survivors know, cancer is always with you. As you get further down the road though you are blessed with days that you don't think about it and life almost seems normal again. I've been living many of those wonderful days not thinking about cancer. This in turn has made for poor blogging about cancer. Sometimes less is more...

I started taking Aromasin in February. It seemed to be working well for me. I have now come to realize that isn't true. About a month after beginning this drug I noticed that my hands were really hurting. They felt weak and stiff. The joints hurt. Like with any other symptom you write it off as something else. As the months have progressed, the pain has been spreading through the rest of my body. In the last week I have been in debilitating pain each morning when I get up. My genius husband (and I do say that with much love) said, "Maybe it's your medicine?" Ding-ding-ding...we have winner! Why it never occurred to me that I could be experiencing side effects is beyond me. Perhaps it's the brain damage that I suffered from chemo...and I'm serious when I say that.

I did a little research and sure enough one of the "contact your doctor if you experience this" side effects is muscle and bone pain. I have a call into my oncologist to see what he recommends. I am due to see him in July for a follow-up on my vitamin D levels. I didn't post about that before, but mine were extremely low. This is bad when you are fighting off osteoporosis due to a hysterectomy at 33. He has me on a mega-dose of D as well which could also be causing me the pain.

**My doctor just called and wants to see me tomorrow. I don't know if that's encouraging or should make me nervous.

Anyway, I've really been thinking about taking this aromatase inhibitor. I've never been big on taking medicine and I am wondering if it's really necessary. I know I will have a fight on my hands with my doctor--aren't they all hard-wired to prescribe medicine we should be taking? Ed and I talked about it though and unless my doctor can give my some very compelling evidence to continue taking it I don't think I'm going to. It is "helping" prevent recurrence, but what is it doing to the rest of my body. I aggressively treated my breast cancer with chemo and bilateral mastectomies. I even had an elective hysterectomy so that I wouldn't have all of that estrogen floating around in my system. I'm trying to continue fighting this disease but at what cost? If the effects of this drug are manifesting itself in debilitating bone pain what else is it doing to my liver, kidneys, and brain that I don't feel? How many years is this drug adding to my life or worse taking from it?

We'll be discussing this in tomorrow's meeting. It won't be pretty and I can predict that I will probably be looking for a new oncologist before it's all said and done.

To be continued tomorrow...

Are You Kidding Me???

2008-04-15T13:03:00.000-04:00

Since I have now had a hysterectomy my oncologist prescribed me a new medicine. (I was taking Tamoxifen.) Because I am now in full menopause I have to take Aromasin. (Tamoxifen is for pre-menopausal women.) This drug is similar to Tamoxifen. It basically does the same thing in my system, but studies indicate this new medicine is better at preventing recurrence (according to my doctor). Here's the big difference though...I can get Tamoxifen in a generic form which costs me $5 after insurance. My new medicine doesn't have a generic equivalent. I pay $40 a month after insurance. This medicine without insurance would cost me $352.88 a MONTH!!! That is CRIMINAL!! Is this stuff made out of some rare chemical compound found in the deepest jungles of the Amazon??? Probably not...it's probably basic stuff that is easy to manufacture. So basically cancer patients are being ROBBED in order to stay alive! Hell they make more money treating us for cancer so I guess if we can't afford maintenance medication then we will relapse thus causing further needed treatment which will make the medical industry MORE MONEY!! I'm not one for conspiracy theories but this has CONSPIRACY written all over it!! This is why cancer is never over for cancer patients. We deal with it daily in some form--some days it's emotional, others it's physical....today it's financial.

Relay For Life

2008-03-12T14:01:00.001-04:00

I am participating in the American Cancer Society's Relay For Life this year. Our church put together a team and I am excited to be a part of it. We will be walking on June 13th-14th. I am not going to aggressively seek donations like I did for the 3Day last October. There is no minimum fundraising requirement. I just ask that if you feel led please give a donation to help support this cause. Every dollar raised gets us closer to ending this horrible disease. Be a part of the cure today and make a donation.

There is a link to my personal donation page on the right under Relay For Life.

Thanks for your continued support!

One week post-op

2008-02-11T15:28:00.000-05:00

One week ago today I had a complete hysterectomy: uterus, ovaries and cervix. Apparently I had two cysts on one of my ovaries (who knew?) which was sent to pathology just in case. The entire procedure was done laproscopically. I highly recommend it. The worst part has been my belly button. There is a one inch incision coming from the center of it vertically running downward. The incision isn't that bad it's just really sore. Apparently they really manuevered that scope around in there and now I'm paying the price for it. I also have 2 tiny incisions on either side of my abdomen where my ovaries used to be. It really was a piece of cake. I stopped taking the heavy pain meds on day 3 and stopped taking all meds by day 5. I'm still a little tender in the middle, but feeling great otherwise.

So the burning question...menopause symptoms??

Yep, I had my first official hot flash on day 4. I recognized it for what it was quickly since I had so many during chemo. Thankfully I haven't had many more yet. I have already found that I'm having a hard time regulating my body temperature at night. I had the same problem during chemo. One minute I'm hot and the very next minute I'm cold. Hopefully this will stabilize as it's quite annoying. I at least haven't had any night sweats yet--those are brutal.

So all in all, it's been a good experience if you can say that about going through "the change" at 33. I go in for my follow-up appointment on Wednesday, and then I meet with my oncologist on the 18th to start a new medication to help prevent recurrence of breast cancer.

I am hopeful that this blog will be stagnate for a while again as life returns to normal issues that don't involve cancer, genetics, recurrence and testing. Thanks for all the prayers and support. You means the world to me.

I feel a bit like this guy

2008-01-28T17:43:00.000-05:00

I'm beginning to feel a bit like this guy. I feel like I'm full of parts that have to be removed.

I went for my pre-op appointment this morning. Yep, it's here already--complete hysterectomy next Monday. I'm only nervous from the "it's major surgery" aspect, but I'm remarkably calm considering the last remnants of my womanhood are being removed.

I'm just ready to get on with it. I want to get this behind me and hopefully forget about cancer/mutant genes/recurrence for a good while. I'm hoping the recovery goes as well as my c-section recovery did. I thought that was a piece of cake. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

I should be in the hospital just one night. I'll try to post an update when I get back home on Tuesday.

Grateful

2007-11-05T20:06:00.000-05:00

As November rolls in, the spirit of Thanksgiving comes with it. Truth be told, I'm normally itching for Christmas by now and Thanksgiving comes and goes without much fanfare. We eat a lot of turkey and think on our many blessings, but I'm really pushing for Christmas to arrive. I love Christmas. Everything about the season makes my spirit sing. This evening though I am finding myself grateful for the many blessings in my life.

My 2 year cancer anniversary was on Friday. It came and went like any other day, but today I am feeling thankful. Many women don't get to celebrate a 2 year anniversary. Many women lose their battle to soon. I don't know the plans the Lord has in store for me, but I hope that I never take for granted the time that He has graciously allowed me. One day He will call me home and cancer may be my ticket, but for now I am living without cancer and grateful for every day.

I came, I walked, it's finally over

2007-10-31T16:10:00.000-04:00

I want to thank all of the people who supported me both financially and emotionally has I prepared for the 3Day. It was an amazing experience!

I sadly didn't get to complete all 60 miles. I walked 20 miles the first day and was ready for day 2, but my hips and feet didn't cooperate. I had huge blisters on the soles of my feet which I could've pushed through, but my hips had other plans. I knew they may be a problem as I had some pain while training. On day 2 I walked (read: hobbled) 6 more miles before my 3Day was over. I had to take the bus back to camp and after much consideration and many tears decided it was in my best interest not to walk on day 3. The important job was done before I ever took my first step--fundraising. The money you donated will go to help find better treatments and hopefully a cure for this horrible disease. I'm so thankful for those that gave long before I was ever diagnosed. Those dollars helped save my life. Thank you again!

My dear friend Bridget is unbelievable. She completed all 60 miles! She's such an inspiration to me and I'm so happy that I was able to share this experience with her. Bridget, I love you!!

I've been asked already if I will do this again. I don't know that I will be able to walk it again, but I am considering participating as one of the volunteer crew members. It was an amazing experience and it would be great to be a part of it again some day.

Surgery Scheduled

2007-10-18T19:05:00.000-04:00

I met with the gynecological oncologist today and really liked her. We have scheduled a complete hysterectomy for February 4th. And as Forest Gump would say, "that's all I have to say about that."

Giving Up More of Myself to Save Myself

2007-10-08T08:39:00.000-04:00

My appointment Friday went as expected. I am now scheduled to see a gynecological oncologist on the 18th. This appointment will be to schedule a complete hysterectomy. I'm doing much better with this today than I was last week.

I will also be having a bone density test done soon. Removing my ovaries removes the estrogen from my system. This is great in the fight against cancer recurrence, but horrible for my bones. I will now have to be concerned with osteoporosis. At least that won't kill me.

I'm going to try to schedule surgery for just after the first of the year. I want to get through the holidays without major surgery and definitely without menopause symptoms. Who needs hot flashes and facial hair at Christmas time? They're not on my wish list this year I assure you.

So I'm again giving up more of myself to save myself. I don't have any regrets about the double mastectomies so I am hoping I will feel the same way about my reproductive organs too. Only time will tell.

Results Are In

2007-10-03T17:01:00.000-04:00

Just when you think it's safe to go back in the water...BAM!! You have to face your cancer drama once again.

My genetic testing results are in: I'm POSITIVE for the BRCA2 gene mutation. This is good news for a few reasons:

1. We now know why I got cancer--genetic predisposition
2. I can be proactive in my continued cancer maintenance as well as opting for elective surgery to prevent ovarian cancer
3. My family now can be aware (Emma in particular) that cancer "runs in the family" and can have the appropriate screenings.

These positive results suck for the exact same reasons.

I now have an appointment with my oncologist on Friday to "discuss my results". Basically he's going to tell me my odds once again for developing ovarian cancer due to this gene mutation and in turn will offer me the option of an oophorectomy (removing my ovaries).

I still have to many emotions swirling through my brain right now to give any commentary, but to summarize how I feel: this sucks!

Breast Cancer Awareness Month

2007-10-01T07:55:00.000-04:00

It's October 1st...you know what that means...pink ribbons everywhere! Yes, it's Breast Cancer Awareness Month again. I want to encourage all women to perform a self-exam this month. It only takes a few minutes and it literally could save your life. Why would you not do this for yourself and family. I also want to encourage you that if you should find a lump have it checked out immediately. Don't put it off and don't assume the worst. Knowledge is power!

The Susan G. Komen website has so much information concerning breast cancer. I have a link HERE for self-exam information.

Check yourself today. It saved my life...it could save yours too.

Just Sad

2007-09-25T12:43:00.000-04:00

I read a book earlier this summer that I really enjoyed. It was Quaker Summer by Lisa Samson. While the book's message was very good, one line has stuck with me. The character is talking about having only one child, and she says:

Knowing I wanted a dozen, He gave me only one.

These words have churned through my heart over the last few months. I long for more children that now due to cancer I will not be able to have. My heart hurts when I think about not feeling those tiny kicks from inside, not hearing that first cry in the delivery room, not seeing that first smile that makes it all worth it. We have talked about adoption, but financially there is just no way it will happen. Knowing I wanted a dozen, He gave me only one. I know that the Lord knows best and maybe His plan is for me to be the mother of only one marvelous blessing. My struggle now is how do I know that I know that I know there are no more little ones in my future? How do I rest in God's plan when my heart aches for it to be different?

So today I'm just sad.

Hair Update

2007-08-09T17:30:00.000-04:00

Most everyone has seen me with hair these days. In fact, many people probably don't think about my bald days very often anymore. As a cancer survivor, my hair is always a reminder of how far I've come. Here is the most recent picture of me with my new curly hair. I've tamed it a bit in this photo, but you get the idea.

It has been almost 16 months since my last round of chemo. My life and body are back to "normal" for all intents and purposes. A few lingering chemo problems:

1.My memory isn't as good--I don't have the recall that I did prior to chemo. Some say it's age, but I know my brain works a bit differently now. I can't really explain it--you would just have to experience it to understand.

2. My fingernails are still shot to hell. They are brittle and ridged and don't grow like they did prior to chemo.

3. My monthly cycle is still erratic at best. While I'm obviously not in complete menopause, my poor ovaries can't decide if they want to fight or give up and die. No period for 4 months then 2 in one month...etc, etc. It's crazy and it makes me feel like I'm 13 again. I never know when it's going to "show itself" so it's always in the back of my mind just in case.

I will be going for my screening appointment for genetic counseling on Monday. I don't know exactly what it involves, so I'll tell you more when I know more.

Why is this news?

2007-08-06T14:06:00.000-04:00

I see this headline and have to ask, "Why is this news?"

Actress Shaves Her Head

Thousands of women shave their heads due to the savage effects of chemo, but FoxNews isn't reporting on them. I just get so tired of the superficial world we live in. If people would spend half of their attention on important issues rather than fashion, beauty and celebrities...imagine the difference they could make.

2007-05-09T14:10:00.000-04:00

Today I met with my new oncologist here in KY. He seems very serious, but also VERY well informed of current treatment and research of breast cancer. He agrees that everything seems to be "normal" for me right now. He did say that new studies have shown it isn't necessary to have all of the CT scans/bone scans unless I am having symptoms of a problem. This makes me a bit nervous since I'm in the "like to know for sure "camp, but his explanation made sense. The only bad thing is that by the time I am "symptomatic" to go for the scans the cancer could be having a field day in my body.

He is recommending that I go for genetic counseling. There are two genes BRCA1 and BRCA2 that show mutations that can cause breast cancer as well as ovarian cancer. In cases like mine where there is no immediate family history and I'm young it is very possible that I will test positive for these gene mutations. This would at least give me a "reason" for getting cancer. I have mutant genes!! I can't help but think of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!

Only 1-2% of us have these mutations, but finding out that you are positive is huge in treatment. If I am positive we will then discuss removing my ovaries or a complete hysterectomy. Women that are positive for these mutations have a 40% chance of developing ovarian cancer. Since I'm not having any more babies anyway there's no need to keep the cancer-bait around. But all of that is yet to be seen. He will be referring me to genetic counseling then I will go for the blood test. I don't know the timeline for this, but I will keep everyone updated as I know more.

Break Out the Walking Shoes

2007-03-20T16:26:00.000-04:00

Ok, so many of you have probably already received my email concerning my fundraising efforts for the 3Day Walk in October. If I somehow managed to miss your inbox...shame on me!!

The summary for those that don't know is this:

My friend Bridget asked me to join her in October to do the 3Day Walk put on by Susan G. Komen for the Cure. It is a 60 mile walk--20 miles a day for 3 days!! I am so excited to be doing this however daunting 60 miles may seem. One of the requirements to participate is agreeing to raise at least $2200 to fund further breast cancer research. I'm asking for your help in reaching this goal and hopefully exceeding it.

The reality is that someone gave money years ago that funded research that helped to cure MY cancer. Money you give today may be funding the research that will save your mom, daughter, sister or friend in the years to come.

This is such and important cause and I hope you will join me in the fight by donating today!!

http://www.the3day.org/dallas07/fkonick

New hair picture

2007-02-26T12:25:00.000-05:00

I meant to post this picture when it was taken a month ago, but never got around to it. This is the hair growth 10 months post treatment. It is still super curly, but I am now best friends with a flat iron. It's time consuming, but I at least look like I have a style now. To the untrained eye, I now look like everyone else--not like a cancer patient. It's refreshing to look in the mirror and not see a bald head looking back at me.

Results are in...

2006-12-11T19:15:00.000-05:00

Praise the Lord!!

We went to see Dr. Q today to get the results of my tests. They all came back clear!! I had prepared myself just in case we received bad news, but was able to breathe an audible sigh of relief when we heard the results. Now I don't have to worry about cancer for another year (like that's realistic).

I also went to see my OB/GYN this week. He is running some bloodwork to find out if I am truly in menopause or not. I should get those results on Friday.

Thank you everyone for your continued prayers and I know many of you will rest easy tonight knowing that I am still "ok". I know we will.

Much love to everyone--
Fran

I'm nuclear again!

2006-12-07T07:50:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I went for my battery of tests. I should find out the results next week.

I had a chest xray, CATscan of chest and abdomen and a bone scan. I came home feeling poorly yesterday afternoon. My head always hurts after they inject me with the radioactive isotope for the bone scan. In fact, it still hurts a bit this morning. I still find the great irony of modern medicine comical. They have to inject me with radioactive material to determine if I'm still healthy, but at what cost?? Radioactive isotopes pumping through my veins and organs can't be good for me. What is the "preventative medicine" doing to me in the meantime???

Oh and for the record, modern medicine still hasn't found a way to make 32oz. of barium sulfate palatable. Calling it "berry smoothie" doesn't help much either. I did the big gag and heave a few times while trying to get it all down in the 45 minutes they give you to drink it. I was successful in keeping it all down, but it was touch and go there for a few minutes. Ack--berrie smoothie. My gag reflex kicks in just thinking about it!!

I'll give you the results as we know more. Please keep us in your prayers for an "all clear" verdict.

What a difference a year makes

2006-12-01T09:47:00.000-05:00

It's amazing the difference a year makes.

The day I was diagnosed.

A year later...

Thank you Lord for healing my body. I am going into this holiday season with much happier thoughts.

Just to update everyone, I am scheduled for a chest xray, bone scan and 2 CATscans next Wednesday. I'm not sure how long it will be before I get the results, but I will certainly keep everyone posted.

One Year Later

2006-11-01T18:49:00.000-05:00

November 2, 2005..."You have cancer." This little sentence was said to me without much emotion. I did get an "I'm sorry" out of my doc, but I think it was more for lack of something to say than really being sincere. His bedside manner lacks a lot to be desired.

I can not believe that one year has passed. First and foremost, I am so thankful to be here one year later and in good health. I have been reflecting on my cancer journey for several days now. I still find it an interesting study in human emotion that while you go through cancer everyone wants in on ALL the details, but once you're "cured" people quickly put it behind them and don't think about it again. Maybe it is a coping mechanism...I'm not one to dwell on the past, but I don't think anyone will realize that it's been a year unless they read this blog. I doubt anyone will be concerned with how I'm coping . Maybe it's not for them to be concerned...maybe it's mine alone to deal with.

As I said before, I've been reflecting on this journey and I've learned a few things about myself along the way.

1. I am much stronger in mind and body than I ever thought.

2. I am pleased that I can comfortably rest in God's plan for my life and be content there even during times of heartache.

3. I want more children. Now with my ability to bear children gone, I am realizing that I am very open to adopting (even older children). I never had issues with adopting, I just didn't have the need. Now I realize there are so many children that just want a family. It's something we're exploring.

Life post-cancer is very similar to life pre-cancer. I was never one to sweat the small stuff, but I really am not concerned with it now. It's cliche, but life is short. Go out and live it! For me it's not about big houses and fancy cars...it's about loving my friends and family and enjoying each day for we aren't promised tomorrow.

Fund Free Mammograms

2006-10-06T17:56:00.000-04:00

Here is a link to a website that helps women get mammograms that may not be able to afford it otherwise. All you have to do is go the the website and click the link. It doesn't cost you anything, you won't be put on some mailing list, it's just a second of your time each day to help fight this disease.

Fund Free Mammograms

Thanks!

Pink ribbons everywhere

2006-10-02T07:44:00.000-04:00

If you haven't started seeing pink ribbons everywhere I'd be suprised. October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. I thought I would be annoyed this year seeing the pink ribbons and being reminded for a whole month that I had breast cancer, but I am actually finding it encouraging...go figure.

“1 in 8 women will get breast cancer in her lifetime.”

This is a harsh statistic. If you haven't had a mammogram yet, make your appointment today. Don't make the mistake and think it can't happen to you if you're young. I was 31. Do a self exam--call and make and appointment. Why wait?

Race Day

2006-10-01T17:34:00.000-04:00

Yesterday we participated in the Race for the Cure. It was a great day. We walked in the Family Walk which is about 1/2 mile. I would have liked to do the 3 mile walk, but little Emma's legs wouldn't last that long.

It worked out beautifully. Dad and Becky came down and walked with us. There were an estimated 26,000 people there which I think is an amazing turnout.

The opening ceremonies were a bit emotional for me, but I did well not to break down. I could have easily, but thought it wasn't the time or place. I was just thankful to be able to stand there knowing I'm healthy. It was quite sobering though because in front of us was a family with "In Memory Of" signs on their backs for a loved one that died just 6 days ago from this horrible disease. My heart just hurt for them.

There weren't as many pink survivor shirts as I imagined there would be and that was a bit sobering too. In my mind I had visions of a sea of pink survivor shirts, but it was really a sea of white participant shirts instead. I sure hope there were more survivors in the crowd than pink shirts or it will be hard to be encouraged. I wore my pink shirt with pride and saw many women doing so too.

I'm not much for big crowds so this was a stretch for me, but I'm very happy we did it. It seems a fitting end to a rough year. Can you believe that my 1 year anniversary is coming up November 2nd? Almost a year ago I heard the words "you have cancer". I still can't wrap my mind around it most days.

Thanks to everyone who donated in my name for the race. With just the few donations I received, you raised $290 for the cure. It doesn't sound like a lot, but every little bit helps in the fight. Thank you again!!

Here are a couple of pictures from race day.

Check out my George Clooney cut

2006-09-08T16:50:00.000-04:00

Ok, so I don't wear the style quite as well as George, but it's better than bald. I didn't realize it had been 2 months since my last photo update. Wow, time is really flying by these days.

I'm feeling great and enjoying my life without cancer. The new "girls" are old news. They're just a part of me now--like they were always mine. I guess that is a good sign. I am still having a little tenderness near the incisions, but it isn't bad. My port scar actually bothers me more than anything. It feels really tight like it could split open any minute. Pretty uncomfortable, but again...who's complaining?

My hair is starting to get a curl to it. I am ever so hopeful that if it is going to go curly on me that I will have hair like my sister-in-law Janie. She has the most beautiful curly hair. I'm afraid I'm going to end up like little orphan Annie minus the red.

That would be tragic....

My Angel Assignment

2006-08-19T20:55:00.000-04:00

A few entries back I posted about applying to become a ChemoAngel. Well today I was assigned my chemo patient. Due to confidentiality I won't reveal any of her information, but I am thrilled to be "angeling" someone that is going through similar struggles as me. I just finished my first letter to her that I will drop in the mail Monday morning. Now I am on the hunt for those special little gifts that will brighten her day and hopefully send some of the the cancer shadows running.

Also I would like to send a collective thank you for all of those that have donated to my Race for the Cure page. You don't know what it means to me to have your support. Thank you again!

I will try to post a picture this week of my new hair growth. It is coming in dark after all and is thicker than ever! It still isn't long enough to "style", but I'm just thankful to have it up there to wash again.

No other cancer news to report--praise the Lord. Life is returning to normal and it's almost like cancer was just a really bad dream. I know as December looms closer (testing time) I will begin to feel anxious again, but for now I am living happily in ignorant bliss.

Race for the Cure

2006-08-13T09:05:00.000-04:00

We registered last night for the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure. It is being held here in Houston on September 30th. We are going to participate in the Family Walk that way Emma can walk with us. I am really excited about it for some reason. I guess just knowing I will be among the survivors somehow makes me proud. I can't explain that though...it's not like I did anything to "survive". Those that didn't win their battles didn't fight any less than I did. I guess I am really looking forward to seeing so many other survivors. It gives me hope.

I sent out an email yesterday about donating in my name. Again, please don't feel obligated. I just wanted to share this positive aspect of cancer with everyone. Maybe someday they will find a way to prevent breast cancer all together--hopefully in Emma's lifetime.

Below is a link to my personal fund-raising page.

My Page

If anyone would like to come and walk with us, we'd love to have you! You can register on-line here.

Come and celebrate with us! This is a great way to end this cancer journey--victorious!!

Follow-up appointments

2006-08-04T08:17:00.000-04:00

I went for my follow-up appointments this week. I saw my plastic surgeon on Tuesday and she said everything looks great. I don't go back to see her until January, so I'm now officially cleared and my life is mine again.

I saw my oncologist yesterday. It was really rather pointless, but a necessary evil I guess. He asked how I was feeling (fine). Was I having any problems (no). He did ask if my appetite had returned and as I answered yes he said (while looking at my chart), "yes, I see you've put on a few pounds". Um, hello....rude. Like I don't choke each morning when I step on the scale and see the little needle heading the wrong direction. I keep wanting to blame it on my new boobs...surely they must be the reason for my extra weight. Somehow though I don't think they weigh THAT much. Since my surgeon cleared me, I guess I'm obligated to start exercising again so now I don't have any excuses (that bites!).

I also had blood drawn and gave a urine sample to check my liver function on the Tamoxifen. He wants to see me back in December for a chest X-ray and CT scan. He said a follow-up mammogram is pointless since there isn't any breast tissue to examine. I see where he's coming from, but it still makes me nervous. I guess the CT scan will show anything they need to see. So now I don't have to think about cancer until December. Uh-huh, like that's going to happen....

My Angel Wings

2006-07-31T09:47:00.000-04:00

Today I applied for my Angel wings. What in the world am I talking about? A wonderful opportunity to support other cancer patients. If my application is accepted I will be assigned a cancer patient. I will become their ChemoAngel. My job will be to send a card or small gift each week for the duration of cancer treatment (no longer than 18 months). I think this is a FABULOUS idea!

I'll find out within 10 days if I have been accepted and will be assigned a patient thereafter. I am so excited. Here is the link so you can check it out for yourself.

ChemoAngels

They also offer the opportunity to "angel" senior citizens that need a friend.

Will I ever escape it?

2006-07-14T15:34:00.000-04:00

Most days I don't think about cancer. It oddly enough seems like it never really happened most days. I look in the mirror though and I'm reminded that I didn't do this to my hair--cancer did. Even that will be corrected in the months to come though. I will then just look like a normal woman and no one will be the wiser to what I've been through. I like not thinking about cancer every single day. Here is the big BUT...but, I've found that cancer has invaded even aspects of my life pre-cancer. I am going through all of our photos and putting them in albums. Each picture I pick up I don't think about the memory it represents--I think, "Did I have cancer when this was taken? How long was I sick before we found out?" I HATE this!! Yet another thing that cancer has taken from me. Yes, I can push beyond these thoughts and remember the sweet things about the picture, but will this always be the process? Cancer first--sweet memories after? It makes me angry that a little tumor can change your entire life forever.

Small victories

2006-07-07T10:30:00.000-04:00

It's all about small victories now. Today for the first time in a long time I applied mascara to a full set of lashes! They are still a little short and stubby, but they are all there. Man I've missed my lashes!

I'm feeling great and the hair is coming in nicely. It is starting to look like it is going to be dark after all. I thought I'd include a picture of the new and "improved" me for you today.

More birthday wishes!

2006-06-28T16:08:00.000-04:00

Happy, Happy Birthday to the love of my life!!!

May your day be filled with joy and your heart overflow with the love that I have for you!

You are my birthday gift 365 days a year! I thank the Lord each day for bringing you into this world, and blessing me with you!

Your smile, your laugh, your love---they melt my heart. Happy Birthday my sweet Ed!

Forever yours,

Fran

My new peach fuzz

2006-06-26T14:36:00.000-04:00

Where did all this hair come from?

2006-06-22T08:37:00.000-04:00

Ack!! I'm a hairy beast! When did all of this hair show up??? I'm officially back in the world of razors. I had to shave my legs last week for the first time in 5 months. My eyebrows and lashes are coming in like crazy too.

I do have a nice bit of growth on my head. It almost looks like my GI Jane cut back in December. It is about 1/4 inch long and coming in sandy blonde right now. This is much lighter than it was going out. I'm curious to see if it stays this color or if it darkens as more of it comes in. I'll post a picture in a day or so.

As far as the burning question about surgery is concerned: Yep, they sure are pretty! I feel well and while I'm a bit sore it really hasn't been bad. They feel different than I anticipated. They are much softer and feel more "real" than I thought they would. I am anxious to go bra shopping now and see officially how they look. I have no idea what size I equate to now, but I'm pleased. I go back next week for a check-up. My stitches are all dissolvable and I don't have any drains (Yippee!!), so it is smooth sailing from here on out.

Tomorrow's the big day

2006-06-18T15:36:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow is the big day. I get my new "girls" at 8 a.m. While I am excited about the reconstruction, I am more excited about the fact that this is the end. Tomorrow is the last step in my cancer journey.

I have been taking Tamoxifen for about 2 weeks now and seem to be tolerating it quite well. I have had a few hot flashes, but I'm not sure if it is menopause or the medicine. I am happy to say if this is all the medicine does to me then I am VERY HAPPY to take it each day.

I will post again as soon as I feel up to it.

Happy Birthday to Me

2006-06-08T08:13:00.000-04:00

Today I turn 32. I've never really stressed about birthdays or getting older, and true to the cliche--I'm just happy to be here to celebrate this one this year. Each birthday that I get to celebrate from here on out will be a blessing.

This is what my sweet Ed gave me as a gift. I wanted a ring to mark this breast cancer experience (something with a pink stone). Isn't it beautiful? (This picture is a little blurry, but you get the general idea.)

I love you Ed. Thank you for everything that you do for me. Thank you for loving me the way that you do! Thank you for being my husband!

I'm on the schedule

2006-06-07T18:33:00.000-04:00

We met with Dr. C today and confirmed a surgery date of June 19th. I will be exchanging these miserable expanders for two nice implants. I am so ready to have this next step completed. It apparently will be day surgery unless they feel the need to keep me overnight. I think that is a bit odd, but I guess this surgery really is so much easier than the mastectomies.

Today she decided which implants she would order for me. She is ordering Mentor silicone 550cc and 600cc implants(high profile). I'm leaving it ultimately up to her to decide what will look best in me. She is after all the trained professional. I know that implant information doesn't mean much for those that aren't experienced with implants, but for other cancer patients reading this that is interesting information. I've discovered reconstruction patients like comparing implant info. What do you have? What do you like about them? I've been advised a few times to ask for high profile implants. I wouldn't have known to do this without the new inner circle I am a member of thanks to cancer.

So a week from Monday I will get my one great bonus (or in this case two--ha ha) of having breast cancer--new perky boobs that are better looking than the set I brought into this game.

Oh and almost as an afterthought, Dr. E will be taking out my port too. Other than the maintenance visits I will have forever, I will be DONE with this cancer mess after the 19th. Can I get an Amen???

A Must Read (Thanks Sue- "Brite Hope")

2006-06-06T16:37:00.000-04:00

I am reading a wonderful book that I think all breast cancer survivors need to read. I also recommend it for friends and family members as well. It is "After Breast Cancer:A Common-Sense Guide to Life After Treatment" by Hester Hill Schnipper. Here are a few quotes that really hit home with all the thoughts running through my head lately.

"You are not the person you were, and you are still working your way toward being the woman you will become. It takes all your physical and your emotional energy to regain a sense of trust in your body and in your place in the world."

"Being diagnosed with a potentially life-threatening illness means the end of everything we have ever known. The world looks very different, and our place in it feels much less secure."

"Physically, we have been forced to keep pace with the treatments and with our bodies...Our hearts, our souls, however, need time to catch up."

My new cancer awareness logo

2006-06-05T15:23:00.000-04:00

As many of you know I have hot flashes due to my chemo-induced menopause. I also just started taking Tamoxifen which has the main side effect of hot flashes. I think rather than the sweet pink awareness ribbon this will be my new breast cancer logo.

A time to grieve

2006-06-02T21:50:00.000-04:00

Seven months have passed since I heard the words "you have cancer". I have come to realize in the last few days that REALITY is just now setting in for me. I have been "strong" throughout this ordeal, but I think strong isn't necessarily the right word. I think a touch of denial is more of an accurate description. No that isn't even right. I've said before that this has been like an out-of-body experience. I have now returned to my body and am living first person once again. Revelations of my new life and the life that is no longer are seeping into my consciousness minute by minute. It is very unsettling.

I appreciate everyone being so happy for me that it's over, but it's never really over. Ok, so I'm not being subjected to toxic waste being pumped into my veins, but at least that had a start and a finish. I will always be dealing with cancer. Will I have a recurrence? Will I get to see Emma grow up? What's that pain in my leg? Is the cancer back? Until you've lived it, you can't understand it.

I'm just now taking in all that has happened to me. It's a big, nasty pill to swallow. Don't get me wrong, I am so very thankful to be cancer-free, but I am now at a place that I can lower my guard long enough to mourn the loss of my former life, my breasts, my ability to bear children. I will look in the mirror at the road map of scars across my chest and know that every day I will be reminded of what has been stolen from me. Again, until you've lived it, you can't understand it.

So if I seem moody or tense....I am. I'm processing a life changing experience.

Cancer: The Ultimate Thief

2006-05-27T16:12:00.000-04:00

I know it's been a while since I've posted, but honestly I've been avoiding it. I have been enjoying a life without cancer and that includes talking about it. I do have some news to report though, so a post is in order.

We went to Dr. Q on Wednesday this week to discuss "maintenance". He said I won't have a scan until later in the year. He is confident that my strong regimen of chemotherapy killed any lurking cancer cells. He did however inform us that the chemo-induced menopause I have been experiencing will most likely be permanent. This was upsetting to say the least. Whether you want more children or not suddenly becomes an issue when you are told you won't be able to have anymore. I have a little bit of hope because I have read other cancer stories where cycles returned to normal, but it just took some time. If this wasn't bad enough, he also recommends that I start taking Tamoxifen. It is a drug that will help reduce my chances of recurrence. I will have to take it for 5 years. I will then be on an aromatase-inhibitor indefinitely. I suspected this would be the plan, but hearing him say it upset me. I don't want to take medicine for the rest of my life. I don't want to be an old woman with hot flashes trapped in the body of a 32 year old. I don't want my ability to bear children to be stolen from me. I've lost my hair and my breasts and now the one thing feminine that I have left is stolen from me too. It is so unfair. I'd rather be bald forever than be in menopause now.

We are still working on a date for my final reconstruction surgery. It looks like it will be toward the end of June. I'm not even excited...just ready. I'm ready to be in a place to not think about cancer for a long time.

Praise the Lord!

2006-05-05T10:01:00.000-04:00

It's over! I'm done! I get my life back!

Yesterday I went for my final scheduled bloodwork. All my counts are good and theoretically should continue to improve. I have an appointment with Dr. Q in three weeks to discuss maintenance and a scan of some sort, but that is it. I meet with Dr. C next week to discuss finalizing my reconstruction. I am hoping to schedule it for the end of June. I'm ready to get these expanders out. The are hard as rocks making sleeping difficult. It will be nice to get the implants in and finish this process completely.

I have to go start packing. We are going camping this weekend. Step 1 of the "we have our life back" plan!

I fail to see the humor in all of this...

2006-04-27T19:15:00.000-04:00

Just when you think you have a handle on your cancer routine, it spins out of control just to keep things interesting. As scheduled my white count dropped to .5 as of Monday's bloodwork. I took my 3 shots in the stomach and planned to come back on Tuesday for more bloodwork. Well I have been fighting nausea this round more than normal. Monday night was the worst I've felt through this entire ordeal. I was miserable by Tuesay, running a fever and felt like walking death. I went in for lab work and my count was still .5. The doctor decided to put me on two different antibiotics due to the fever and my counts not improving. I was hooked up through my port for 2 hours to take Rocephin and Levaquin. I also took a bag of Anzemet--the anti-nausea drug from heaven. Oh and two more shots in the stomach. On to Wednesday, same process as the day before--antibiotics, Anzemet and shots. Today I thought I would just have lab work, but no that would be easy. My white count in only .8 today that equals 3 more stomach shots today and I had to take the antibiotics again. To top it off that will be my routine tomorrow as well. As you can see, it has been a miserable week and it is just so frustrating. I also have to bring home shots to give myself this weekend. This will make a new record of 16 shots in the stomach in one week. I am so tired of this. My only saving grace is that I know from next week on each day will bring marked improvement with no chemo looming in the future.

Is it really almost over?

2006-04-23T10:42:00.000-04:00

I am so ready for this cancer mess to be finished. I had my final round of chemo a week ago. I know I should be jumping for joy, but frankly I'm to darn tired to jump. This last round has left me weary in body, mind and soul. I am coming into my "bad" week when my numbers drop and then maybe there will be some light shining at the end of the tunnel after that. I will have bloodwork done for the next two weeks and then I will have a two week reprieve. I will then go back in for labs to make sure I am still improving and Dr. Q said I will probably have a scan of some sort. If all goes well he will then monitor me 3 times a year.

I'm not sure if all cancer patients have this feeling, but I have been thinking about how my life will be different in just a few weeks. I won't have to schedule my life around lab work. I won't have to hope that I feel well enough to go buy groceries. I won't have to dread the next round of chemo. I have a great sense of feeling lost without cancer. What will I do with myself each day? Don't get me wrong--I am very happy to be cancer-free. It has just consumed every moment and thought since November. It's as if I don't know how to think about anything else anymore. What did I do each day before I was diagnosed? How do you go back to a "normal" life? Do you even get to go back to that life? I am forever changed.

Now I guess I get to focus on the little victories. I get to watch my hair grow back in and stick around for a while. I get to finish my reconstruction this summer and feel whole again. I get to watch Emma slowly forget that I was ever sick. Finally she will come to a point when she stops asking, "Mommy, you don't feel good?"

I will get my life back.

A Special Thank You

2006-04-11T12:51:00.000-04:00

I just wanted to send a special thank you to The Mom's Club. I have been a member since January 2005. Emma and I attended a weekly playgroup before I was diagnosed (which we both really miss). I haven't been involved in any activities since my diagnosis, but I'm looking forward to participating more after this last round of chemo is over.

The Mom's Club has been great support. They gave me a gift certificate for a Home Cleaning. I found that very helpful after my 4th round of chemo. I had lots of family coming in for my surgery and my house needed a good cleaning. They just recently sent me two gift cards for restaurants. We've been out to eat twice already and still have probably 2 more meals left on the cards. This has REALLY been a life saver. I rarely feel like cooking these days and being able to go out has been great. I also just received a letter from MD Anderson Cancer Center. The Mom's Club donated funds in my honor. What a wonderful group of women I have supporting me! I thank you each and every one for your continued thoughts and prayers. I look forward to seeing you all again soon and saying thank you face to face.

Thank you again,
Fran

A new record

2006-04-11T12:39:00.000-04:00

Last week was my "bad" week. I felt ok, but my white count was low as usual. I set a new record of 14 shots in the stomach last week. Yep, 14. To add insult to injury I had to administer 8 of those myself! Can you believe it? Me putting needles into my stomach? It's true. You can do amazing things when you have to. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be physically, but the psychological aspect of sticking a needle in your body was hard. It just goes against everything we are programmed to think about needles. Thankfully this is my good week so I hopefully am done with stomach shots until the next round of chemo. Which by the way, is scheduled for Monday the 17th.

Update on hair loss--it's going! My eyebrows are almost gone and my head hair is just starting to let loose. I am hoping it won't all fall out, but who am I kidding.

5 more weeks...and counting

2006-04-04T09:27:00.000-04:00

This round of chemo was rough the first week, but now in my normally bad second week I'm feeling well. My white count is currently .4 which as you know by now is practically gone. I took my 2 shots in the stomach with a smile yesterday and will be going back in at noon today for 2 more. I just keep reminding myself...5 more weeks.

I've mentioned the peach fuzz growing on my head already, but I should note that my hair is growing back everywhere else too. I had to shave my legs for the first time in 4 months. I am happy to have hair on my head again, but I certainly haven't missed shaving! Oh and speaking of new hair growth, my eyebrows have so many new hairs coming in that they are pushing out the old long ones. I managed to hold onto my eyebrows through 4 rounds of chemo and now new hair is going to be their demise! Go figure...Oh well--I am assuming still that this round of chemo will destroy my new peach fuzz-- so what if my eyebrows go too.

While being thrilled that chemo is almost over I have to admit that I am a bit sad at the thought of not seeing some of my nurses. They become such a part of your everyday (literally) that it will seem odd to not see them any more.

Chemo # 5

2006-03-29T14:34:00.000-05:00

I had round #5 of chemo on Monday. It is now day 3 and I am doing well. I am drained as usual, but feeling good otherwise. Nausea wasn't much of an issue this time around thankfully. My sense of taste is starting to fade already, but thankfully that recovers quickly.

I have a nice layer of peach fuzz hair coming in. It appears to be dark, but I'm not sure if it is darker than normal. I am happy to see it growing so quickly, but it should start falling out by the middle of next week from this round of chemo. Hopefully since I only have one round of chemo left my hair will recover quickly too.

My plastic surgeon's office called today with a strange request. The secretary asked if I would be willing to talk with a patient getting ready to have a double mastectomy. I said I would, but thought it odd since I am not finished with my reconstruction yet. I can't really give an opinion of Dr. C's work other than what has been done so far. I'm not sure if they want me to talk about reconstruction or the mastectomy process, but I said give the woman my phone number and I'd talk to her if she calls. We'll see if my phone rings.

I'm due back for lab work on Friday. My numbers should still be up--they won't crash until this weekend sometime. I just keep reminding myself 5 more weeks and this will be behind us. I'm not sure when my final reconstruction will take place, but that seems so simple compared to the rest of this process.

Let the Games Begin

2006-03-23T07:39:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I had two appointments. I went to see Dr. C for an expansion, but she decided to wait 2 more weeks to let more healing take place. I am just about finished expanding. I will probably have one more and be happy at that size.

I then went to have labs drawn and iron infused. Dr. Q met with me and said it is time to move forward, so I am scheduled to start chemo again Monday morning. Let the games begin...uneasy stomach, hair loss (so long peach fuzz) and the general feeling of YUCK!

I am sad to say that 2 of my 3 favorite nurses are no longer at the infusion center. I am really saddened by this. You come to trust and really enjoy good nurses and it gives me a general sense of unease to have new ones coming in. They don't know my story...my likes, dislikes, moods. I know there may be great nurses coming in behind them, but sadly I already find myself judging that I won't like them as well. Isn't that strange how we become "dependent" on nurses that we like? So my wish now is that MaryAnn will stick with me through the next two chemo treatments. I just love her. She takes such good care of me and you can tell she really loves her cancer patients. She makes the process easier somehow. Thank you MaryAnn!!! I am trying to think of something nice to put together for her as a parting gift at my final chemo. Any ideas would be helpful.

So I now have 6 weeks and counting until I am done with this mess. I still have surgery at some point this summer to remove my expanders and put in the implants, but that will be the final step.

I'm off to start eating everything that tastes good before my senses are lost next week. Blueberry pancakes sound good this morning I think...

Oh and today's Daily Verse...great as always!

“ Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. ” (James 1:12)

I'm not so sure it's "me"

2006-03-19T17:20:00.000-05:00

I wore my wig to church this morning. The jury is still out on whether I like it. I don't know if it is the cut, color or just that it isn't MY hair that bothers me. I still feel that I am somehow denying my situation by wearing it. It is definitely red which therefore draws attention to it. Those that know me know that I am not an attention seeker, so this is uncomfortable for me. I did have one lady come up and say my hair was a beautiful color, but that wasn't enough to make me sign off on wearing it full-time. We'll see I guess.

Guess what I did?

2006-03-18T20:00:00.000-05:00

Well I did it...I bought a wig. I didn't think I would, but here is the thought process.

When I was first diagnosed and knew that my hair would be lost to chemo, I didn't want a wig. I know many cancer patients opt to wear one from the very beginning, but for me wearing a wig meant I was somehow denying I was sick. I have worn headcoverings throughout treatment thus I "look" like a cancer patient. In the last few days it has occurred to me that even though I have 2 chemo treatments left for systemic reasons, I am cancer free due to surgery. I don't want to look like a cancer patient any longer, but my hair growing back is still a long way off. I do have a little peach fuzz coming in, but it will fall victim to chemo drugs shortly. I know I may not wear my wig all of the time, but at least I have that option now. I ordered it from the American Cancer Society's catalog. It seems to do well enough although not having hair for 4 months makes having hair suddenly awkward. It seems big and out there, but it is actually much less hair than I had before chemo claimed it. It is supposed to be light reddish brown, but it is more red than brown. I like it though and Ed said I look beautiful as a redhead so I'm going with it.

Introducing our newest family member

2006-03-16T08:25:00.000-05:00

Since my baby-making days are over (sadly), we decided to get a new puppy. Granted puppies and babies have many similarities, but they are not the same. I would much prefer a new baby, but that just isn't in our cards. [If you know someone that would like to give us a baby that would be great, thanks.] Ok, back to the puppy...we decided poor Roscoe (our current dog) is just getting to old (11) to deal with Emma. He is tolerant of her, but let's face it there's no love there. The new puppy has been a nice distraction for her. While Roscoe isn't thrilled about having her around just yet, I think you can see the relief on his face already from Emma's constant attention. Here is a photo of our new puppy. Her name is Sadie. She is about 4 months old and a total sweetheart.

Now I just have to figure out how to housebreak a dog and potty train a 2 year old at the same time!

Just a reminder for all the women I love

2006-03-15T07:29:00.000-05:00

Warning: Possible guilt may follow, but read it anyway!

You all know that you should be checking yourself each month for lumps. If you didn't do it before I was diagnosed I understand. If you still aren't doing it...SHAME ON YOU! Hello, anybody home up there? Breast cancer is serious business and if caught early can be cured!

I know we don't always remember to check. I wasn't intentionally checking when I found my lump, but here is something to help. I came across a website through another blog that will email you a monthly reminder to "Check Your Boobies". Now I know that this sort of thing doesn't work for everyone, but if even one woman uses this and remembers to do a self exam then it is worth mentioning.

http://www.checkyourboobies.org/index.html

I love you all and don't want you to go through this experience with cancer.

CHECK YOUR BOOBIES!

PRAISE THE LORD!!!

2006-03-09T11:10:00.000-05:00

Dr. E just called me with WONDERFUL news! After sitting down with the pathologist it has been determined that my margins were clear after all. The chemotherapy shrunk my tumor down to 4mm and all the cancer should be contained in the mastectomy tissue. I'm not sure where the error in information occurred and at this point I'm not going to dwell on it. I am just so pleased that it appears I truly am cancer free! I will not need radiation according to Dr. E., but I will have the remaining chemo treatments for systemic purposes.

I just can't be happier. Praise the Lord that He is good all the time. My sweet friend Bridget reminded me of that in her comment on yesterday's post. I am so thankful to have such a wonderful group of Christian women surrounding me--some of which I have never even met in person.

Thank you to EVERYONE for lifting me and my family up in prayer. The Lord is answering them each and every moment. He loves us and hears us when we cry out to Him. Isn't He amazing?

I'll update as I know more.

In HIS precious hands,
Fran

Two Steps Forward = Two Steps Back

2006-03-08T10:50:00.000-05:00

Yesterday we had several doctor appointments. We met with my surgeon, Dr E., to get my pathology reports. He was rather vague though and we didn't really come away feeling like we knew anything. I knew Dr. Q. would give us a full explanation though so I wasn't worried.

We then met with Dr. C for another expansion session and she also removed my remaining two drains. For the record, drain removal is just one step shy of torture! Oh my goodness, I couldn't believe how much it hurt. I think it was the worst part of this process. Thankfully it only hurt when she pulled them out, but after about five minutes I couldn't even tell she had done it. I am very happy to be free of the drains. They were quite annoying and very uncomfortable. I go back in next Tuesday for another expansion session. Dr. C is pleased with the results so far and I am filling out nicely. At this point when I'm dressed you can't tell that I ever had surgery. I still look pretty mangled underneath my clothes, but that is healing nicely too.

We then went to Dr. Q's office so I could have lab work and my iron infusion. I also received a Procrit shot in the stomach. Man I sure haven't missed those. After that was all finished we met with Dr. Q for the new attack plan. I was prepared to hear that I was going to have to take the remaining 2 chemo sessions for good measure, but that wasn't what came out of his mouth.

My pathology shows that cancer cells were found very close to the surgical margins. When they remove cancerous tissue they also remove good tissue around it. The good tissue is called your margins. Well in my case since all the tissue was removed my margins go all the way to my skin. What this means is that cancer cells were found close to the skin in my breast which was a bit of a shock for all parties involved. My surgeon has requested the pathologist do a deeper study of the tissue to see what exactly we are dealing with. So basically I went in yesterday believing I was cancer free to now being practically back to square one. I have cancer in my breast still (in theory) so we have to attack it. I will definitely have more chemo and now they are even discussing radiation for localized treatment. Since there is no longer a tumor to focus on we are literally trying to kill the proverbial needle in a haystack. Needless to say I am devastated. I totally had not prepared myself to hear this. I am still trying to wrap my mind around it this morning. We are now waiting for the new pathology to determine our next move. As soon as we know, you'll know. Until then please pray that we can kill these cells and that we can get our lives back to normal. I have felt so healthy the last few weeks not having had chemo now for a month. It is so hard to know that I have to go back into the pool of chemical waste and swim around for a while and come out feeling bad all the while "hoping" that we are killing this damn cancer.

Again I have to say how appropriate the daily verse is today. The Lord always shows Himself and reminds me to keep my faith in Him. There is a greater purpose for all of this. I may not see it now, but He knows why I am going through this valley.

“ Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. ” (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)

We Wanna Pump....You Up!

2006-03-03T10:23:00.000-05:00

Ok, so we aren't pumping up my muscles but we might as well be.

I went in for my first "expansion" yesterday. Dr. C found the port on the expanders using a small magnet and then made a mark with her pen. She then numbed the area with a lidocane injection. I didn't feel this though because there isn't much sensation left in the breast tissue due to nerve damage from the mastectomies (this is normal by the way). Dr. C then inserted another needle into the port and filled the expanders with 100cc of saline on each side. I am a little more "filled out" but still have a few more expansions to do before I look normal again. The procedure didn't hurt, but the pressure on my chest muscles after she was finished was uncomfortable. It felt like I had a serious chest workout at the gym--just a lot of muscle soreness. I still have 2 drains coming out of me, but those should come out soon. They are mostly annoying to work around and slightly uncomfortable since they pull on the few stiches that hold them in place. I'm not looking forward to the actual removal since that is rather unpleasant, but will be happy to be free of them.

I am scheduled to go back in on Tuesday for several appointments. I have a meeting with my surgeon to hopefully get my pathology reports. I am also scheduled to have another expansion and hopefully get my remaining two drains removed. I then will go over to Dr. Q's office to have lab work done and another infusion of iron. I may or may not find out about remaining chemo treatments, but I will post when I know more.

I'm Home!

2006-02-25T09:31:00.000-05:00

Surgery is over and I'm cancer free! I went in for surgery on Tuesday and came home from the hospital Thursday afternoon. Here are a few of the high points.

Surgery took approximately 7 hours. Dr. Etter performed the mastectomy on each side and then Dr. Cash began the reconstruction process. She wasn't able to put in the implants so she put in expanders instead. She didn't feel like she would get a good result with implants right away. I am scheduled to go back in to her office on Monday to begin the expansion process. She will also remove some of the drains that I have coming out of me--4 total.

I am not in much pain. I have some good medication to keep me comfortable, but it really hasn't been as bad as I anticipated. My chest looks like a train wreck right now, but I know that will get better.

My sentinal node came back clear during surgery and we should get the final pathology later this week. This basically means the cancer didn't leave my breast tissue. Yippee! We should be able to finish the chemo and be finished with this cancer business.

All in all, I am happy to be cancer free and almost done with this journey. I won't get my new set of "girls" until this summer, but hopefully the ugly cancer business will be done in just a few short weeks.

The final countdown

2006-02-17T20:25:00.000-05:00

Today I went for a final visit to the plastic surgeon, Dr. C. She thinks that she may be able to go ahead and put in my implants at the time of surgery instead of the expanders. This means that I will come out of surgery with my final new set and won't have to go back in for more surgery. She won't know for sure until she gets in there to start working, but we are hopeful it will work out.

I also had pre-op admission stuff today as well as some pre-op tests: bloodwork, chest x-ray, and EKG. I am scheduled to go in Monday so they can inject my breast with some radioactive material for the sentinal node biopsy. It will be injected around my nipple (Yikes!) and then will drain into the sentinal node. At the time of surgery this node will be removed and biopsied to see if cancer cells have moved out of the breast via my lymph nodes.

Tuesday is the big day. I am ready. Surgery is always a scary prospect and I know the recovery will be tough. The implants are placed under the chest muscles which makes for an uncomfortable recovery. I hope that it is similar to my c-section. Everyone said how painful it would be, but I thought it was a piece of cake. I know I will have good pain medication, so it shouldn't be that bad. I just hate being doped up since it makes me sleep for hours on end.

I'll update again Monday after the injection(s). Say a little prayer that this procedure isn't as bad as is sounds.

They're both coming off!

2006-02-14T09:51:00.000-05:00

After speaking with the plastic surgeon, we have decided to go ahead and perform a double mastectomy. This is what I wanted from the very beginning, but all the other doctors have been reluctant to discuss it. I think part of it may be that the doctors have been men. The plastic surgeon I'm seeing is a woman. I think it makes a big difference. She knows what breasts mean to a woman, but she also can understand the worry that comes with keeping one breast and removing the other. Will the cancer come back in the remaining breast??? I don't think the male doctors can fully comprehend the worry of wearing around a breast that may cause you problems later. They see removing both breasts as "aggressive". Yes, it is aggressive, but I think the right choice.

We still don't have a surgery date set. The original date was cancelled due to a schedule conflict between the surgeon and plastic surgeon. I will post the new date as soon and we know more.

I am feeling good this week. My chemo is on hold until after surgery so I am looking forward to the reprieve of harsh chemicals for a little while. Surgery should be in the next week or so, but I will enjoy feeling normal as long as possible. I still have to go in for lab work and my iron infusion, but that is all I will be doing until surgery.

Update: We now have a surgery date, Tuesday the 21st.

The Verdict is in...

2006-02-07T09:42:00.000-05:00

To get everyone caught up:

I had chemo #4 last Tuesday. It has been business as usual. I had labs yesterday and my counts are down, so I took my stomach shots and go back in today for more.

We met yesterday with the surgeon, Dr. E. He is recommending a mastectomy. We have scheduled it for next Friday, the 17th. We will be meeting with the plastic surgeon next Wednesday to discuss reconstruction options. It's a little unsettling that I don't know how my reconstruction will go until a few days before the surgery. I have to go the next week knowing they are taking part of me off, but I don't know what I will get back in return. I'm happy that we have a date set, but I'm just ready to get this entire mess over with. I'm tired of being bald, feeling like death every couple of weeks, and living my life around lab work. I feel deeply for those that endure this battle for years. I'm TIRED...tired in mind, body and spirit. My battle will hopefully be won in a few months time. I am so thankful for that.

I'm off to take another pill...I'll post more later.

Oh, and in light of my pending new boob(s), here is a cartoon that made it's way to my mailbox recently.

Update: My plastic surgery appointment has been rescheduled for this Thursday, so we'll have a better idea of the plan then.

Not enough spinach in my diet apparently

2006-01-26T15:28:00.000-05:00

I had labs today and wasn't anticipating anything different, but just when you think you have a handle on chemo it throws you for a loop. It isn't a big loop mind you, but it is yet one more thing on my to do list. As you may remember my hemoglobin was low last week. I took my normal 2 shots plus a third (Procrit) to help boost my red blood cells. I also started taking iron supplements. Today's bloodwork revealed that my hemoglobin is still low so they want to start supplementing me with IV iron once a week. I didn't have time to sit for it today, so I will be going back in tomorrow for the hour long infusion. It isn't really a big deal just an inconvenience. My already hour long lab appointment twice a week will be extended on one of those days for this infusion. I can only imagine what IV iron will do to my system. The supplements haven't bothered me thankfully, but I doubt I'll be so lucky with infused iron. Wish me luck!

My next round of chemo is on Tuesday. It will be round 4 of 6. I am happy to be coming into the second half of these treatments. The first 3 flew by quickly, but for some reason the thought of 3 more seems like an eternity. I am hoping the next 3 go as smoothly as the last round.

We still don't have any information about the ultrasound, but I'm not worried about it. Dr. Q has a plan and I trust him. I mean really we know it is practically gone and that surgery is somewhere in the future--what more can he say. He'll fill us in when he's ready. Until then we just take it day by day and try to enjoy living life on my good days. I'm sick of thinking about cancer, talking about cancer and trying to convince everyone I feel fine. I guess people want me to be moping around looking pale and tragic, so I'm sorry to disappoint them. I feel fine--please BELIEVE me.

I'm off to do some laundry. I'll post more tomorrow.

Elmer Fudd Rides Again

2006-01-22T07:44:00.000-05:00

I realized the other day that I haven't yet posted a photo of me BALD. I have "the haircut" on here, but a buzz-cut and bald look very different. I donned my new breast cancer awareness shirt (thank you Robin!) and posed for a quick photo. I admit the buzz-cut had me looking very Sinead O'Connor, but come on, this is very Elmer Fudd!

Still no news

2006-01-20T07:35:00.000-05:00

No ultrasound results yet...you'll know when we know.

I had labs Monday, but surprisingly my numbers hadn't tanked yet. A reprieve from the stomach shots was nice. Tuesday I began to run a fever. This seems to be my pattern as my count falls lower. I had labs yesterday and my white count was .9, but my hemoglobin was really low which is a first. What do they do to fix that you ask? What else--stick me in the gut with one more shot. Yep, I took three yesterday and will be heading back in for more today. Thankfully they really have become routine and aren't a big deal anymore. I also have to start taking an iron supplement to help boost my hemoglobin. They warned me that it will make me constipated. Of course it will--because being bald and a pin cushion isn't bad enough! It just gets better and better.

I'm feeling well considering I have no immune system and hardly any red blood cells. I have one mouth sore that showed up two days ago, but it isn't giving me much grief thankfully. Sleep is still a labored endeavor. The chemo makes my mind race so falling asleep has been difficult. I have a prescription for Lunesta, but I don't care for it. I didn't feel much difference the few times I've used it. When I really need to sleep I've been taking one of my nausea meds that knocks me out, so I'm managing. It's okay though because we're half way there--3 chemos down, 3 to go.

Hope you all have a great weekend!

P.S. I just read the daily verse on my blog today. It's always inspiring to me that you hear from Him just when you need it if you'll only listen.

“ Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. ” (James 1:2-3)

Same story...different day

2006-01-15T14:07:00.000-05:00

I know many of you think that since I haven't posted lately I must not be feeling well. Not so--I just don't have anything interesting to say. This last round of chemo has been a fairly easy one. My nausea medications are doing their jobs and I am feeling well. I am getting ready to go into the low white count phase which will make me tired, but otherwise I will feel good. I have lab work tomorrow and will be low so I'll have my stomach shots as usual. They are really quite routine now and it is strange what becomes "normal" when you have cancer. I should have my numbers back up by Wednesday.

We are still waiting for the ultrasound results. Dr. Q said my mammogram came back normal. Don't get excited just yet--if you remember my initial mammogram was "normal" too. Apparently my cancer doesn't show up well except via ultrasound. We hopefully will have those results soon. We know the chemo is doing it's job as you can't feel my tumor any longer. Now we are just trying to determine when surgery will be scheduled. I will meet with the surgeon as well as plastic surgeon soon to discuss "the plan".

This week will also be great because my dear sweet Robin will be arriving from Virginia on Wednesday! We haven't seen each other since June 2001! Oh how I've missed her and can't wait to spend a few days together. I can't believe so much time has passed since we've seen one another, but it will be like we were just together yesterday. We have always had that kind of friendship and I love her for it.

Thanks for all the continued love and support. I hope you all have a wonderful week!

The Half Way Point

2006-01-10T20:39:00.000-05:00

Today I went in for my 3rd round of chemo. It was business as usual with nothing new to report. I am feeling good right now which is a pleasant surprise. I was already feeling sick by this time the last round. I know it will be short lived though and I should be feeling bad by morning if not some time in the middle of the night.

I had a mammogram and ultrasound done yesterday, but results are still pending of course. I'm not sure when we will get them, but Dr. Q's office is good about staying on top of things and keeping us informed. I'll report more when I know it.

On a more thought provoking note, I heard a sermon on the radio today that really put into words the way I feel about my situation. So many people say I'm brave or that they don't know how I do this day after day. As many of you know my faith is strong and I believe the Lord doesn't make mistakes and that He has a plan for my life. The description today was that we are put on the earth to do God's work. Living our life is our job for God--living it reflecting His image to the world by our actions and beliefs. We all have PURPOSE in this life--to minister to the lost in what ever means we are capable. So many people believe that means you have to walk up and "sell" Jesus to the unsaved, but it doesn't have to be that direct. We all minister in different ways and some of them can be quite subtle. I believe my cancer is part of my purpose. I have to walk through this experience reflecting my faith in the Lord so that others can see it and believe and hopefully that belief will lead to salvation. When you are doing the Lord's work it isn't hard to "be brave" or "be strong". When you are functioning inside His purpose you can tolerate so much more because you are living for something bigger than yourself. I admit I am human and do have my bad days. I don't want other cancer patients reading this believing I am some superhero or that even having faith takes all the pain away. I also don't want anyone to feel that they are somehow falling short because they aren't coping as well. Cancer is HARD, but knowing that the Lord has a plan for my life (Jeremiah 29:11) makes CANCER an easier cross to bear. I am hopefully ministering to someone out there whether it be family or an unknown reader. If someone is touched and grows closer to the Lord because of my situation then it all hasn't been in vain. I don't know if I did the sermon justice in that description, but that is what I took away from it.

Here's a link to the sermon if you're interested. Just click on it.
http://www.tonyevans.org/radiotv/radio.cfm
If you are reading this today (Tuesday) click on Today's Alternative to listen to the broadcast. If you are listening any time after today it will be in the archives for January 10, but unfortunately you won't be able to hear the entire sermon. I really enjoy Tony Evans' sermons. I always find them inspirational and sometimes convicting. I recommend you look up when he airs on the radio in your area and listen.

I go back to disconnect tomorrow morning from my chemo pump. I'm winding down for the night, but I will update again tomorrow. My love to everyone!

Business as usual

2006-01-05T08:28:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I had lab work as usual and it came back normal. This is my "good week" where I feel good and my body is getting back to normal. All this in time to do it all over again next week. Chemo is scheduled for Tuesday the 10th. This will be round 3 of 6 so I'm half way there!

We met with Dr. Q also and he is very confident that the chemo is doing it's job. We will be setting up a mammogram and ultrasound to review the tumor size. I will complete this next round of chemo and then we will meet with the surgeon to discuss whether it's time to schedule surgery. At this point when it happens is irrelevant to me. I'm just ready to get on with it and have this cancer business behind me. Well actually I guess it will never be behind me as I will always be on the look-out for new cancer in my body, but at least I won't have this chemo mess to deal with and all the doctor's appointments once this cancer is destroyed.

On a brighter note we are getting ready to buy a new camper. Russ and Holly bought our pop-up while they were here in December, so we will be upgrading to a trailer. The pop-up was nice, but we are ready for the convenience of pull up and park camping. Not having the hassle of putting up the camper and unloading and setting up everything will be nice. I think we will be able to accomplish our goal of camping once a month having a self-contained trailer. You can go rain or shine and on the spur of the moment much easier. We're excited and are ready to go camping again! Our trip to the Tetons in August was our last outing and that's just to long!

I'm back to the hospital on Friday for more lab work, but results should be the same. Hope you all have a great weekend!

Edited to add that the mouth sores are healed and thankfully the insomnia has passed. I'm still not sleeping well however so Dr. Q gave me a prescription for Lunesta which is a light sleeping pill. I haven't tried it yet, but hopefully it won't make me a zombie.

The Window of My Mind

2006-01-03T18:24:00.000-05:00

I tend to think of myself as a bit of a loner, but not necessarily by choice. I think it is more a product of my circumstances as a child with facial disfigurement. I was the kid that played by myself on the playground, was picked last for kickball teams (well really you aren't picked...that team is stuck with you when you're the last one), and as a teen was the girl that all the guys "just wanted to be friends with". That sort of experience sets a person up to rely on themselves and not get to emotionally invested in people. I don't say all of that to summon sad feelings, guilt, or even pity, it's just how it is. Everyone has their own set of baggage they haul around through life--that just happens to be mine. I set this stage to go on to say that I find for the most part I have overcome my baggage and live my life loving and trusting my family and friends. It is however still a concentrated effort/choice to put myself out there and expose myself to a possible emotionally hurtful experience. I came to the realization today though that as I choose to put myself out there emotionally and rely on others I am often disappointed which sends me back into myself wondering why I bothered in the first place. I don't think my expectations are unrealistic, yet I find myself shaking my head asking "Is what I'm asking that hard to do?". I won't recount the why or who of this scenario to protect the not so innocent, but as unhealthy as it may be I'm just going to rely on me (and my dear sweet Ed) from now on and keep my emotional wounds to a minimum. I am a private person by nature and to put this out into the universe isn't something I would normally do, but somehow it seems appropriate today. Please don't pick my brain for details as I won't reveal them just consider this a glance through the window of my mind and feel like you might know me a little better for having read this...or maybe you just realized you don't know me at all.

The End of a Good Year

2005-12-31T22:23:00.000-05:00

As midnight quickly draws near, I have been reflective of the year that is about to slip away. I guess some would say being diagnosed with cancer would make for a bad year. I really don't feel that way. We continue to be blessed year after year. We have a beautiful home, overstocked pantry, money in the bank, Ed has a wonderful job and even though I have cancer, we have our health. By American standards we are by no means well off, but to 90% of the rest of the world we are wealthy beyond imagination. How fortunate are we to live in such a wonderful country? So many people have so much less...how can we not think this has been a good year? And how blessed are we to need to make the New Year's resolution to lose those holidays pounds? Yes blessed because we have such an abundance of food that we have weight to lose. As we sit and eat chips and dip and "ring in the new year" is makes me sad to think of those all around the world that would be happy to have just one chip much less dip. It just doesn't seem fair. Well before I get myself in to somber of a mood, I just want to say Happy New Year and may God bless you abundantly in the new year!

Insomnia and Mouth Sores

2005-12-29T04:03:00.000-05:00

Well, it is now 3:30 AM...that's right...A.M. I am experiencing my first episode of insomnia due to chemo. I've read that this is sometimes an issue with cancer patients. For all of you out there that have insomnia regularly, my sympathies are with you. I know I should be tired due to my counts being low and our day at the zoo, but I am wide awake. I feel like it is 3 in the afternoon. I've watched a movie already and read a little bit, but sleep is no where to be found. I am hoping this isn't a regular event now. I guess I could take a nausea pill since they make me sleep like a rock, but now it seems pointless since Emma will be up in just a few hours. I will hopefully catch a nap later on today.

The other side effect that is finally rearing it's ugly head is mouth sores. I don't know if you've ever had an ulcer in your mouth, but these are 10 times worse. My tongue has 3 ulcerated spots on it and I have 2 on the inside of my lower lip. My chemo pharmacist mixed me up a little something to help ease the pain, but it only lasts about 15 minutes and I can only take it every 4 hours. It is Mylanta, lidocaine, and some sort of antibiotic. Basically if I am having mouth sores that means my entire intestinal track is suffering as well. The Mylanta drink helps the mouth but also helps the ulcerated spots I may have elsewhere in my system. Needless to say, I am pretty uncomfortable. Eating hurts, talking hurts, and I think it's getting worse not better. My taste buds are shot except for bold flavors such as dill pickles, Doritos and oh, my icky Mylanta drink. The one thing on a planet I wish I couldn't taste is the most prominent. I think I will be shifting to ice cream for the next few days as the cold seems to help if only temporarily. So other than that...I'm doing just peachy. So what's going on in your neck of the woods?

Yes, I'm still among the living

2005-12-28T22:41:00.000-05:00

I am giving my apologies to my faithful readers for not updating sooner. I had lab work done on Friday before Christmas and was cleared for travel so off we went. It was such a short trip though and I never get all of the visits made to my loved ones before we leave town again. By the time we made it home Sunday I knew my blood count was down for the count. I was running a fever (which happened the last round as well). The doctor's office was closed Monday, so I had labs yesterday. My white count was .7, down from 24 on Friday. Apparently this chemo is kicking butts and taking names! I of course received my stomach shots and set up an appointment to come in today for more lab work. Yesterday was a bad cancer day. I just had a hard time coping with all the needles, feeling miserable and just not being able to live my life like I used to. Thankfully those days have been far and few between at this point. On a happier note, our friends from Iowa (Russ and Holly) arrived last night with their two little boys in tow. It was so nice to see them again. It's been a year and the kids have changed so much. Emma is having a field day!

Today I went in for labs and they accessed my port to draw blood. I've been letting them draw from my arms (yuck, but it's not a time consuming), but my veins are already going bad from the chemo and they are having to dig around to get a good one (part of my bad cancer day yesterday). Anyway, they accessed my port today and left it accessed so they don't have to poke me again tomorrow. They don't normally like to leave you accessed overnight when your count is low, but I think the poor nurses took pity on me after yesterday and made an exception. My count was up today to 1.1 so I took two more shots to the belly and went about my business.

We took the kids to the zoo today which was so much fun. I rested a lot along the way, but am feeling well. It was nice to enjoy the sun on my face and have a little piece of "normal" for a change. I know Ed worried about me all day, but I'm okay sweetheart, really. He is such a blessing to me.

I go back for more labs tomorrow, but hopefully my numbers will be up and I can be free until Monday labs. Russ and Holly are leaving on Friday so we will have a quiet weekend around the house. Next week should be my "good week" so I will spend it taking down Christmas stuff and deep cleaning. The dust bunnies are getting mean around these parts. It may be touch and go as to who comes out victorious in the end!

Good night and may God bless you!

Feeling Green

2005-12-22T09:35:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was the worst day so far. I woke up completely nauseous! Everything I smelled, looked at and even thought about eating made me feel so sick. I called the doctor's office and told them I'd be in at 1:00 to disconnect from my chemo bag, and they told me to come on in. They gave me another IV bag of Anzemet for nausea which helped immediately. Then they sent me home with a prescription for Promethazine. I take it every 4-6 hours as needed for nausea. It has worked wonders BUT it makes me sleep like the dead. I slept from 4pm to 7pm last night, woke up for 45 minutes and then went back to bed until 8 this morning. Needless to say I feel well rested! I woke up this morning feeling much better. I took the nausea medication to be safe, but so far I'm feeling human again. I'm going to take advantage of it and finish some last minute shopping today as well as pack for our trip home tomorrow. I hope you all have a blessed day!

Round 2 Complete

2005-12-20T15:06:00.000-05:00

I just finished my second round of chemo. Well, actually I'm not finished. I still have this bag of red toxic liquid I have to carry around for the next 24 hours. I will come back to the hospital tomorrow to "disconnect". I slept through most of my treatment today. I brought a magazine and my new portable DVD player (thanks Santa Eddie), but sleep prevailed. I am already feeling a bit queasy which isn't promising for the days ahead. I have my nausea medication ready to take this evening when my current one wears off.

Dr. Q examined me today after chemo. He said that my breast feels normal. If he didn't know I had cancer he wouldn't be able to tell by touch. Yippee! Well, he didn't say yippee...I added that part. He said we will finish up this treatment and then run some tests to see exactly how much of the tumor is left. If it is still bigger than he wants we will do one more round of chemo before surgery. If it is basically gone then we will talk surgery sooner. Obviously this is great news to hear today!

Grandma and Pa are here for the week. They are keeping Emma occupied while I recover from this treatment. Emma is loving every minute of it--all the attention is on her which is just the way she likes it! We are still planning on making the trip home for Christmas this weekend. I am looking forward to seeing everyone and enjoying some Christmas cheer! Hopefully the worst of the side effects will be gone by then. I'll post more when I can.

A Little Christmas Cheer

2005-12-18T13:48:00.000-05:00

Here's a little Christmas cheer to brighten your day. I loved this cartoon when I saw it!

There are only 6 shopping days until Christmas. I hope no one has to brave the crowds and do any last minute shopping. If you still haven't found the perfect gift for me don't fret...cash is always gladly accepted at this establishment! Seriously, I hope you all have a great week leading up to Christmas and hopefully I will see many of you in just a few days!

Chemo appointment changed

2005-12-17T15:16:00.000-05:00

I thought I'd get the word out that my appointment for chemo on Monday has been changed to Tuesday instead. Apparently there were to many patients scheduled on Monday, so I was bumped to Tuesday instead. It's to bad you don't get cool compensation like when you are bumped from an airline flight. I'd love two free tickets to Hawaii just because I agreed to do chemo a day later. Ah, in a perfect world I guess. I don't mind as it will give me one more day to eat all I can before my taste buds head south for the winter again. I'll update again on Tuesday. Hope everyone has a great weekend!

The 12 Rules of Life

2005-12-15T09:01:00.000-05:00

I borrowed this from the blog of a new friend, Kim. (I hope you don't mind). http://noteworthystuff.blogspot.com. It made me laugh this morning which is always a great way to start the day.

Sometimes we just need to remember the 12 Rules of Life.

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.

2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.

3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I apologize" and "you are right."

4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

5. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

6. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her - believe them.

7. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, "Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?"

8. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

9. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

10. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.

11. Work is good, but it's not that important. Money is nice, but you can't take it with you.

12. And finally... Be really good to your family and/or friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

Today's Scripture of Encouragement & The Hair Cut

2005-12-14T09:41:00.000-05:00

"Do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord, no matter what happens. Remember the great reward it brings you! Patient endurance is what you need now, so you will continue to do God’s will. Then you will receive all that he has promised." Hebrews 10:35-36

I decided Monday night that it was time for the hair to come off. After dinner Ed and I went out on the back porch with the clippers and buzzed it all off. I have just a little layer of fuzz left and it is falling out quickly. It was a lot harder than I thought it would be. We both cried as we watched so much hair fall to the ground. Emma on the other hand thought it was funny. When it was done she rubbed the top of my fuzzy head and said, "Elliott hair". For those of you that aren't familiar, Elliott is one of her older brothers. He keeps his hair cut this way and she rubs his head often, so it was nice that she had a point of reference. Here are the before and after pictures. Drum roll please...

The picture quality isn't great, but you get the idea. So what do you think? It's not as bad as I thought it would be. The little bit of hair I have left is falling out quickly so I am thinking I'll be completely bald by this weekend. On a happier note, the rest of my body hair is falling out as well. I shaved my legs on Monday and not one hair is growing back in! The only hair not letting go is my eyebrows. So once I'm bald I will look like two catepillars died on my face....that should be nice.

Oh before I go, I want to send out some birthday love for my brother Brian and for my sweet sister-in-law Theresa. Happy Birthday!! We love you both!